The Observer, January 28, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 15
Sex & Dating
In every relationship, whether it's romantic, a casual friendship, or just a fling, difficult situations are impossible to avoid completely. The following are a few common pitfalls that every relationship encounters at some point, along with a beginner's guide to digging your way out.
How to get out of…trouble
Guys: This is the one area in which girls can be pretty easily satisfied. All it really takes is a couple little meaningful gestures to show that you do, in fact, care about her feelings and you think about her when she's not around. I myself was once stopped mid-rant when I noticed that my boyfriend had filled up my gas tank for me. That one simple gesture made me forget why I'd been angry in the first place.
Girls: Sometimes girls have to work a little harder to get out of trouble. As much as we hate to admit it, sex does not fix everything. The most sure-fire way to get out of the hot plate is to do something that has both meaning and practical application. My ultimate apology was int he form of an entire three-course steak dinner, complete with personal lingerie-clad waitress. Food is the ultimate in practicality when it comes to guys, and while sex doesn't fix everything, it certainly helps. Where, you may ask, is the deeper meaning? Well, I'm a vegetarian… it takes a lot for me to cook up a bloody slab of beef.
How to get out of…A relationship that's getting "too serious"
Guys: Girls can be very fragile creatures, and both bluntness and subterfuge will create enemies. You must be both tactful and clear. Do not tell her that she reminds you of the stalker chick from Swimfan, but at the same time, do not take a passive-aggressive approach and "solve" the problem by asking another girl out.
Simply tell her that you really enjoy the relaxed relationship you have, and you're worried that it's getting too serious. My first romantic encounter in college was cut short upon discovering that my hookup partner had asked another girl to his fraternity's formal. I was not upset that he had asked another girl out, but I was furious that he didn't talk to me about the situation when he thought it was getting too serious.
Girls: Guys are dense. They believe what they want to believe, and if you sugarcoat it, they'll cling to the last shred of hope. This is one situation in which you simply must be cruel to be kind. To tell the truth, I've never mastered this one. But believe me, I've seen it done – and it took my breath away.
How to get out of… Sex
Guys: The only way to turn a girl down without offending her is to make her think it's her idea. Since this is pretty much impossible, the next best thing is to use a sex substitute. Try giving her a relaxing massage; focus on her back and keep quiet. If you're lucky, she'll fall asleep.
If she's not giving up that easily, tell her it's your turn to get a massage. Then, after about five minutes, start snoring softly. No girl can stay turned on for long in the presence of a snoring guy (a little drool wouldn't hurt, either).
Girls: The headache line has been extremely overused. If this is someone with whom you have "relations" often, a very tactful way to beg off is to claim that last time was so good that you're still sore. What guy can argue with that? If this is not someone you've slept with before, just say no. If he gets mad or argues, chances are he's not someone you want to sleep with anyway.
No matter where you are in your relationship, there are going to be times when you'd rather crawl under a rock than deal with the problems you encounter. Sometimes it's just easier to let things go and hope they work themselves out. But remember, if you stick your head in the sand, your ass is in perfect position for a good kicking.
