The Observer, February 18, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 18
SideTrax
Around the fourth year of college, many students decide they have had enough of Case and that it is time to move on. Although most don't want to depart the most powerful learning environment in the universe, they all agree that a fresh crop of students should have a chance at this fine institution and that their wallets can take no more tuition increases. At this time, most of these students, whom we call seniors, start to think about what they are going to do in the real world. This past week, I asked a number of the seniors at Case the age- old question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I expected to find the usual professions such as lawyer, doctor, politician, janitor, hard-hat wearer, etc.; however, I was surprised to hear the about the goals of many what I thought were bright individuals.
One of these fine young gentlemen, a 22-year-old male whom I thought to be perfectly sane, responded quite determinedly, "Someday I will be a coffee machine." Now I have heard of senioritis, but none quite as strange that makes individuals wish to be kitchen appliances. When pushed to further explain himself, he replied, "All right, I clearly meant fax machine!" (Perhaps it is a good thing that people do not turn into kitchen appliances. What would happen if everyone started to become a blender or a mixer?!? People would have to start reproducing more quickly so that we could keep up with the smoothie production! Perhaps that is why the Minolta copier is so weird… perhaps it is a person!)
A young woman about the age of 21, normal looking, reported that she wanted to be a shephardess in Scotland and woo sheep with her flute. I think it might be neat to be a shephardess. At least I would never be short of wool. This girl also crumbled when questioned further and admitted that she really just wanted to be the founder of a dimensionless number. I wonder if one could have a dimensionless number describing the proportionality of the amount of sheep a flute woos in a certain time period to the quality of the metal used to make the said flute. I hope she works on that.
One girl replied "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!" Clearly, she missed the auditions.
One rather frustrated computer science major reported that he wished to be an "if and only if" statement. I wonder if he meant the line of code and the implementation of it. I wonder what he would be coding for and what language he would be in. I feared more questioning on this one, for that student seemed quite perturbed.
One bright young individual reported he would be an astronaut. Excited that I actually received a more feasible answer, and having knowledge of the impending guacamole crisis, I asked him if he would discover cheese on planets and what would be his favorite type of cheese planet. With a puzzled look on his face, he informed me that there was no cheese on planets. This makes me sad. The Earth is doomed.
I believe my favorite response however by far was "Pesudonym, I want to be a robot, just like you." Now that was some serious groveling. Perhaps I have an apprentice.
This entire survey showed me one thing clearly. Case has killed dreams and seniors need to get out. Or senioritis has a new strain …
