The Observer, February 18, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 18
So what's the deal with the Grammys anyway?
I want to know who invented awards shows. I want to know who sat down and thought, "Hey this is something the American public really wants to see! Let's get celebrities to dress up (read: strut around a theatre named after a giant chain store in lingerie), and then we'll give them little gold-plated statues for doing exactly what they want for a living, and for getting rich in the process! And then let's give the ordinary people watching little paper cuts and pour lemon juice on them!"
These awards ceremonies celebrate the achievements of a select handful of superstars and bypass the extraordinary talents of, well, lots of underdogs without giant publicity camps. There are few, if any surprises – except in fashion choices, which are usually excellent examples of how famous people often don't own working mirrors. No wonder viewership for awards shows has been declining in recent years. Sunday night's Grammy awards show, honoring the "best and brightest" of the music industry, was a genuine snoozefest that seemed more like a tribute to a handful of artists who were either deceased or highly overrated. I mean, who are the Los Lonely Boys? How old are they, anyway? And is it grammatically correct to add an article such as "the" before "Los"?
Ray Charles actually came away with the most awards at Sunday's Grammys for the album Genius Loves Company; this was probably due to all of the publicity surrounding his death in June and the movie Ray. But I suppose the real point of awards shows is publicity, in the end. So what would the Grammys have been like in a perfect world? Here's the rundown of the big winners last weekend … and who really deserved to win.
Album of the Year
Sounds like the same category, and might as well have been for the other nominees, since Ray Charles took this one too. Kanye West should have taken this for College Dropout; hell, he produced it, and he produced one of the other albums nominated. And while Confessions was a stellar example of how cheating on your significant other can make you a superstar, Usher doesn't need awards for validation; his harem will still love him in the end.
Record of the Year
First, let me preface this by saying that "Record of the Year," "Album of the Year" and "Song of the Year" sound interchangeable, but are different awards. Whatever. Ray Charles and Norah Jones took this one away with the unremarkable duet "Here We Go Again." The award was just another example of posthumous homage. Green Day should have taken this one for "American Idiot", but voters may have been turned off by its anti-establishment tone, or overcome with guilt for voting for the band that was first known for writing about, um, masturbation. Be that as it may, "American Idiot" is a song with an actual message. And it's a good one.
Song of the Year
This one is the big songwriter award, not to be confused with all of the other "Best Song" awards that are given out at the Grammys. I don't think Hoobastank should have even been nominated for this category. "The Reason" is in no way one of the best songs of the year. Thankfully, this one actually went to John Mayer for "Daughters," his slightly sexist ballad about parents who screw up their kids. "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys is the only song out of the category that is listenable over a long period of time, which is extremely commendable, and in my book, deserves an award.
Best New Artist
This category gets me. How do you define who a "new artist" is? I've been singing in the shower for 20 years– does that mean I'm ineligible for this award? According to the Academy, this award is "for the artist who releases, during the eligibility year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist." OK. That does not explain how Maroon 5 won with an album that was released in 2002. Some might argue that Kanye West, whose visibility and versatility will someday rival P Diddy's, should have won. I say Joss Stone, the British-pop-R&B-singer-slash-Jewel-lookalike for her amazingly diverse vocals which are occasionally reminiscent of Lauryn Hill. Listening to her, you would never know that she's as white as a computer engineer in summer.
Best Alternative Music Album
I'm still wondering what "alternative music" is. Wilco took this category for A Ghost is Born, annihilating Bjork in the process. Modest Mouse definitely deserves some props for writing songs without trying to write hits. Try telling that to voters, though.
The rest of the winners more or less deserved their awards, which no doubt added to the blah factor of the night. That, and the new episode of Desperate Housewives. But there's always next year.
