The Observer, February 25, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 19
SideTrax
Pseudonym,, Sidetrax
Recently, I've seen many posters around campus asking, "If you were to make a Case commercial, what would you include in it?" Well, I think I will take this space this week to plan my very own Pseudonym Psuper Duper Case Commercial®.
First, the Pseudonym Psuper Duper Case Commercial® would contain robots. The Peter B. Lewis Building would be the perfect location to shoot the commercial. In the middle of winter, the building could be shot, covered with snow. Then, all of a sudden, the robot hidden inside the building – whose back makes up the roof – could appear from the depths of the building, shake off the snow and wave cheerfully at the students. The typical Case student – strung out on coffee, disheveled and wearing a pair of jeans and an old T-shirt – would then be transformed into a beautiful state school student, full of hopes and aspirations.
The robot would proceed to the quad, where it would demolish all buildings resembling Baker. Next, the camera would show the robot sitting in on the classics classes to learn what would make it the most intelligent robot in the most powerful learning environment in the world. The robot would also listen to a computer science lecture so that it could learn briefly about binary code to better understand the walkway to campus.
Next, the robot would fly downtown, capture the buildings in the name of President Hundert, fly back to Adelbert, pick up President Hundert and fly around the city while President Hundert sat on its back with a megaphone shouting, "Most powerful learning environment in the world."
Unfortunately, to shoot this commercial, the Peter B. Lewis Building, along with half of Cleveland, would have to be destroyed. Perhaps that would be too much.
Perhaps the Pseudonym Psuper Duper Case Commercial® should be a little more budget-friendly and just contain Case engineering students in their true form. Everyone should be aware by now that Case engineers are really superhero alter egos. Most engineers are nothing like superheroes. You do not expect them to wear tights; you expect them to solve differential equations using partial differentiation. You do not expect them to save the world; you expect them to cower in fear at the sight of another human being. This, however, is ideal for an alter ego. The clumsiness and the taped glasses are the perfect disguise and hide their true identities well. They are in fact the squad of superheroes known around the world as the Case Super Engineers. The commercial should highlight these fine folks.
This revamped commercial could start with one of the Case Super Engineers, PolyMerGrl, flying in with her red cape waving in the wind with the Power of Latex. Meanwhile, ElectraCalE-Boy, MechaBot, and CompESci, could fly circles around Millis, jump Crawford in one bound and save their fellow non-superhero English majors from the dangers of the Adelbert bridge using Super Circuit Powers, Dynamic Equilibrium, and the Power of Fortran. Then the CSE would use their combined power of polynomials for the good of all mankind and save a kitten, because everyone loves kittens.
The end of the commercial would have these and the other CSE heroes standing in a line on top of Schmitt, their multicolored capes waving in the wind, with a voice-over saying,"Case, home to alter egos everywhere."
*Brought to you by Pseudonym Psuper Duper Commercial Making Inc.*
