The Observer, March 25, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 22
Sex & Dating: The good, the bad and the ugly
It seems that we are always searching for the perfect way to communicate our interest to a member of the opposite sex without scaring or offending the object of our affection. I myself have heard a wide variety of lines intended to sound smooth and inviting – not always successfully. Here is a short sampling of the good, the bad, and the ugly, submitted for your education and ridicule, whichever the case may be.
The Good
The Situation: I was at a party with a group of friends, and the keg had just run dry. We were talking to a group of guys we'd met earlier that evening.
The Line: "I have more beer back at my place. Why don't we all hang out for a while?"
The hallmark of a good pickup line is subtlety. A good pickup line can be taken in a number of ways, and it's up to the "pickee" to decide how to take it is spontaneous and considerate, not a canned line used hundreds of times already.
The Bad
The Situation: After John Doe walked me home from a party, I went over to his dorm the next night to hang out– as friends, or so I thought. Then he leaned in close and whispered in my ear…
The Line: "I've never made love before."
If you ever want to make someone you just met turn and run, bust out this line. Now, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. However, this pickup line failed miserably for three major reasons:
1. The word "before." It would have been sufficient to say "I've never made love." That's just fine. But adding the word "before" implies that the situation is about to change, which is incredibly presumptuous.
2. The term "made love." Even if the aforementioned situation were about to change, two people who barely know each other do not make love: they have sex or that special four-letter word.
3. I did not ask. The reason I did not ask is because I did not care. The reason I did no care is that, as far as I was concerned, it was none of my business. If your goal is to make the transition from friends to hookup buddies, there are more subtle ways to broach the topic.
The Ugly
The Situation: I was talking to an on-again, off-again boyfriend from back home. At the time, we were off. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with the situation as it stood, and decided to suggest that our situation change.
The Line: "So… when you come back for Thanksgiving, think I can stuff the turkey?"
I'm not going to insult anyone by explaining in detail why this line is wrong in every way possible. Suffice it to say that any line that is simultaneously reminiscent of a bad porn and a corny joke is bad.
When it comes to pickup lines, the bottom line is not to scare the other person away. Be sweet, be funny, be spontaneous – as long as you aren't creepy, mean, or annoying, you still have a chance.
