The Observer, April 22, 2005
Volume XXXVII, Issue 26
Sex & Dating: How to deal: Crying
There are times in every person's life when he or she is simply moved to tears. Guys are usually better at controlling their emotions than girls, which has resulted in a sharp double standard: while girls are almost expected to cry periodically, there is a social stigma that labels and rejects guys who cry in public. As a result, it is difficult for partners to interact while one is crying, and tears are usually met with a mixture of bewilderment, helplessness, and frustration.
Since girls stereotypically cry more than guys, let's start with "girl tears." In order to know how best to respond to a crying girl, you must determine a number of things.
First, are the tears real or forced? Real tears well up quickly and uncontrollably, and don't require her to blink in order to prod them into streaking down her cheeks. Beware if she makes a lot of noise besides sniffs and short sobs (i.e. wailing, moaning, or hyperventilating noises.) Real crying doesn't require an excess of sound effects.
If you think that the tears are forced, ask yourself: why is she pretending to cry? Fake crying is either an attempt at manipulation or a last-ditch effort to get someone to pay attention to what a girl is trying to say. If the latter case is true, further investigation is needed to determine what the real problem is.
If the tears are real: stop whatever you are doing and give her your full attention. When girls cry, it's usually because they are overwhelmed by emotion. Do not immediately offer solutions; while a girl is crying, she probably isn't rational. In other words, no matter how genius your idea is, she won't be able to appreciate it and will probably resent it.
Instead, let her cry, let her talk, and just be quiet until she calms down. Hugs and back rubs will be appreciated. Then, before offering suggestions, ask if there's anything you can do. Listen carefully. Finally, after she tells you what you can do, she will be open to your suggestions as to what she can do. Better yet, phrase the suggestion as, "What if we blah blah blah?" This way, you're not just telling her what to do.
Now, what happens when guys cry? There is a distinct split of opinion on male tears. Some girls value them and appreciate the "sensitivity" they show. Other girls (and most guys) have no patience for guys' tears and consider them too feminine.
Regardless of your opinion, if a guy cries in front of you, the most important thing is not to embarrass him. Usually, guys are not crying because they are overwhelmed, but rather due to a serious loss or emotional event. Therefore, although guys are more likely to appreciate solutions, there are rarely actual solutions to offer. The safest route is simply to sit and be quiet until he's ready to talk – any noise you make will just remind him that someone is seeing him cry, which will make the situation even worse. If possible, hug him while he cries so that he knows you're there, but you can't see his face; believe it or not, this will actually make him feel more comfortable.
Remember, when a person is crying, he or she is incredibly vulnerable. Use caution so that your words and actions do not make the situation worse, and when all else fails, just let them cry.
