The Observer, November 18, 2005
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 11
Sex & Dating: Trust: It's not just about cheating
Everyone knows that you can't have a meaningful relationship without trust. Pretty straightforward, right? Yet this concept tends to be oversimplified and taken for granted, and the many different areas of trust are often lumped together into one. Too often we, as college students, tend to assume that if we believe our girlfriend/boyfriend is faithful – and as long as we are faithful to him or her – that we have a meaningful relationship. But there's so much more to it than that.
Of course, being faithful is the most basic trust in a relationship, so it should not be ignored – if you're not going to be faithful, get out of the relationship.
But simply being faithful is not enough. In order to truly respect your partner, you need to learn to avoid a tempting situation. This one is a little trickier. We are human: we have hormones, urges, and instincts. It is perfectly possible to be in the wrong place at the wrong time – the trick is to know how to avoid it. This is not to say it's wrong to go out with your friends, but anyone in a relationship who still gets trashed at clubs with single friends or hangs out alone with an old hookup buddy should probably rethink his or her relationship status. Being exclusive is a choice: make sure it's the right one for you.
In line with the topic of faithfulness is, of course, honesty. From how many people a person has slept with to his or her intentions in your relationship, honesty is the key to making a relationship meaningful. Sometimes people talk about not being "too honest." Although it may sound reasonable to avoid being "too honest," I believe that it is actually a sign of distrust – a sign that you do not trust your partner to forgive you, to be fair, to understand. Being honest is not about being nice, it's about respecting your partner's right to know and his or her sound judgment and fairness.
One area in which almost every college student can improve is learning to keep mouths shut. Whether you're a guy who cried during Cheaper by the Dozen or a girl with a fetish for talking dirty in bed, it is imperative to know that certain things will be kept in confidence. Your relationship is not a public commodity; it is not meant to be shared except by the two of you. If you cannot trust your partner to keep a confidence – no matter how trivial it may seem – there will be no basis for trust as your relationship progresses. This goes for your sexual adventures as well. It may be fun to relive every moment of last night's romp with your friends, but it cheapens the experience, reducing it from a shared experience between two people to entertainment for others.
I think most college relationships can handle the areas discussed so far. The next area is little more difficult. After mastering the basics regarding faithfulness and discretion, new dimension of trust enters the picture. This trust does not hinge on faith in the other person's actions, but in his or her emotions. There is a difference – actions are much easier to control than emotions. This is the trust in another person to love you – to love you for who you are, who you want to be, who you try to be. But love is not rational or predictable, and so trusting someone to love you is the biggest gamble of all. No one can tell you when you're ready, and it's not something you can force.
