The Observer, December 9, 2005
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 13
Worst Case Scenario: E-mail disasters
We here at the "most powerful learning environment in the world" believe strongly in the infallibility of our little university bubble. What's the worst that can happen? Snow we can deal with. Ice. Torrential rain capable of taking the shoes off of your feet and transporting them mercilessly down Euclid Avenue, forcing you to become one of those shoeless people who walks around campus seemingly unfazed by the jeers and Cleveland dirt.
So what does strike fear into the hearts of even the most powerful?
If complaints overheard around campus this week indicate anything, than it must be the loss of that most basic form of communication: e-mail. Maybe you, like I, heard the screams and sobs last night as Case Webmail went down for at least the second time in the course of a week. The lines of communication between students and professors, lab groups, lovers, and friends were destroyed with one simple phrase: "mail.case.edu cannot be found, please try again." For hours, the only condolences offered on help.case.edu were "updates will be posted as available." So the next time such a cataclysmic event occurs, be prepared with the following strategies:
1. Have homing pigeons on hand. These flying rats with wings are apparently so good at finding their way home, they should have no trouble finding their way into your professor's office to deliver any reports, essays, or excuses short enough to be tied to their legs and not prevent them from flying. Of course, using trained animals to do your bidding does require that you train them first, but that's not something this column is concerned with at the moment. And don't worry about Housing's ban on any type of pet that isn't boring or ugly: just tell anyone who asks that it's for dinner.
2. Have a back-up e-mail account; but make sure your username isn't something like "XXsuperrsxxylol2327". Unless, of course, you want your religion professor to know that you're a "BigTool4U."
3. Be prepared to wait. Since Wednesday's disaster took over 12 hours to resolve, if you keep your expectations low, you probably won't be disappointed. Take time out from typing "mail.case.edu" into your address bar every three seconds and have a snack (avoid salty foods, they're bad for your blood pressure). Take a walk to the new Starbucks. Practice breathing deeply to relieve stress. Find out the relationship status of your high school friends on Facebook. Call up those you think are responsible for these outrages and vent your frustrations to them. Call up University Counseling Services and talk out your problems with the help of trained professionals. Whatever works.
Feel free to share your own strategies with friends to help protect them from another night without the warm caress of fresh e-mail. Remind those you care about of the benefits of speaking on the phone, or even in person, to others. Hopefully, together, these strategies will help solidify our defenses against another unanticipated attack on our lines of communication.
