The Observer, January 27, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 14
Sex & Dating: Masturbation: when all else fails go screw yourself
I'll bet you did a double take when you saw that headline, right? And I'll bet my editor is secretly wondering, "Are we allowed to print 'masturbation'?" Something about the word itself seems to imply something dirty or vile, and its meaning makes many otherwise open and honest people very uncomfortable. But the truth is that masturbation is not only normal, but helpful. Just Google "benefits of sex," and imagine all those benefits without any of the risks!
In fact, masturbation could replace many of our worst habits.
Smoking cigarettes: People tend to reach for a smoke when they're stressed. But no artificial high can top the bliss after a fulfilling session in the sack. (And if you're the only one you have to worry about, chances are you won't be left unsatisfied.)
Overeating: Of course, we need to eat to survive. Overeating, however, usually seems to happen with comfort food. Something in your life is going wrong, and you just know that a piece of chocolate cake will give you that warm, content feeling you're missing right now.
Not showering: Sometimes when the alarm clock goes off in the morning, the thought of getting ready to face that freezing cold blast of freezing air is almost too much to handle. After huddling under the covers for an extra half hour, there's barely time to pull on a sweatshirt, much less shower and find clean clothes. But just imagine if you take a few minutes to indulge yourself. A quickie in the morning can be just the thing – and when it's just you, morning breath isn't a problem.
Staying up too late: Can't sleep? As strange as it may seem, masturbation can both wake you up and help you fall asleep. It's nature's cure for all that ails you!
Being grumpy: I think this one is self-explanatory. Put your hands down there and a smile up there!
Hooking up with Mr. or Ms. Wrong: If you're making sure that your needs are taken care of, you're much less likely to resort to hooking up with the dirty guy down the hall or the annoying girl upstairs. Horny goggles are even worse than beer goggles; onfessing that you "just had to get some" will always sound lame.
Tolerating an incompetent lover: If your partner isn't doing it for you, and you don't know how to do it for yourself, how on earth are you going to help your partner improve? Everyone needs a hand now and then (no pun intended) and you need to be sure that you can give him or her a few pointers to ensure your mutual satisfaction.
So maybe masturbating won't fix all the problems in your life. Your classes will still suck, your roommate will still smell, it will still blizzard without warning, and your best still won't be good enough. But at least you'll know that at the end of the day, a little piece of paradise is right in the palm of your hand.
