The Observer, January 27, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 14
Board games provide old-time fun
Winter might still be muzzled, but when it breaks out, I plan to stay in my almost-warm house, only to leave for important events like a snowball fight, or maybe a class every other week. Such imprisonment could lead to seasonal insanity, but thankfully we have several products to pleasure us indoors. Here are the best of the best:
Monopoly
It's the classic, the quintessential board game, a delicate combination of luck and management. Should you spend that last $100 on another house for New York Avenue? Or should you keep some reserve in case Community Chest dishes out some school tax? (Which has, in my experience, bankrupt players on two separate occasions.)
Deliberating on these issues is further complicated by the rampant capitalism of the game, seen in trades galore for money and services, sometimes wholly irrelevant to the game itself: Illinois Avenue for two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Suddenly it's clear: Monopoly has no limits.
Risk
What could be better than world domination? Well, how about pairing it with blatant ethnic cleansing? Wipe out the Red Army! Destroy the black hordes! It's all part of the game, an insidious attempt to instill racist tendencies into players.
It also encourages imperialism! So you've got your stronghold in South America. Why sit on that when you could take control of Africa, too? It's the new colonialism.
Finally, you can create insensitive house rules. Maybe Afghanistan gets a one-time surprise attack on the Eastern United States. Maybe the Middle East loses an army every third turn due to internal strife. Maybe you can offend everyone so much that they quit and you win. World Domination is yours!
Apples to Apples
If you don't know what this is, go buy it. More fun than a barrel of monkeys (another good cold weather pastime). In a nutshell, you get to (mis)apply adjectives to well-known people, places, and things (also known as "nouns" for the linguistically gifted).
Maybe the "Clean" card is on the table. Maybe you have "Pittsburgh," Maybe you have a good sense of irony and play it. Hilarity ensues when the obvious disconnect is made public.
Settlers of Catan
Hmm, another game about land ownership and production. Someone's got a material fixation.
Anyway, I really like it when games rely on both luck of the draw/roll and skill at managing the game. Settlers is another such contest, only slightly less domineering than the other two. Rather than building Grand Hotels, you build settlements and roads. Plus, you don't charge rent.
Fortunately, there's a token which you can control to filch from and impede the productivity of other players. Sounds devious, but at least it doesn't sugar coat the thievery by labeling it "Rent" rather than "Highway Robbery".
Life
I never actually enjoyed playing it, due to the complete reliance on luck. However, I relished its valuable lessons: cynicism, misogyny, and fiscal gambling. No matter how hard I tried, sometimes I couldn't avoid misfortune. This prompted increasingly bitter comments about the game – and about life itself.
I was forced to marry. A harrowing experience that no doubt accounts for my current suffering with the opposite gender.
The best part was the end when you could either hope to have the most money, or wager it all for a 10 percent chance at winning outright. But really, the real victory was in the 90 percent, which enabled one to retire and become a philosopher. Clearly, this was the root of my liberal arts affection.
See, there's no need to be bored when you've got a board (game).
