The Observer, February 10, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 16
Sex & Dating: Valentine's Day Gifts
As cliché a topic as this may be, past Valentine's Days (or Newsom's Day, if you prefer!) have taught me that some people really have no idea what to get their significant other – or anyone else – on this special day. Here's a quick guide:
Your current crush: Guys, send flowers. Anything else can be interpreted as creepy and/or stalker-ish. If you have no idea if she likes you back, stick with yellow or pink roses; red roses can be too aggressive in this situation. Girls, ask him out to dinner – your treat, of course. Double dating with a friend and her date will help smooth over any awkward moments, and you guys can all watch a movie together afterwards.
Hookup buddy: Obviously, you don't want to get all romantic with this person; mixing signals is the best way to ruin a perfectly good no-strings-attached relationship. The best way to handle this holiday is to splurge on something that relates only to your physical relationship. (Caution: buying something for your pleasure only is the best way to end up solo; for example, buying a girl flavored lubricant probably won't have the desired effect.) Good gifts include lingerie, handcuffs/bondage handkerchiefs, body chocolate, or – for the big spenders – a night at a hotel.
Friend of the opposite sex: Guys, it wouldn't hurt to shell out a couple bucks for a pink, yellow, or white carnation or rose for any single girl friends that you have. Not only will your girl friends adore you, but generosity makes a great impression on any other girl(s) you may be interested in. Ladies, one of the few languages guys understand is food. Chipotle has adorable gift cards – shell out $5 for your couple of closest guy friends.
Girlfriend: You must have the Big Three: dinner, flowers, and something that sparkles, like champagne or diamonds, depending on your budget. If these aren't your style, make sure your girlfriend knows this, because chances are this is what she'll expect.
Boyfriend: Lingerie is always a good option. Other successful ideas include making dinner, splurging on his favorite expensive liquor (like Vox or Grey Goose vodka), having sexy pictures done professionally, or telling him that you think Steak and BJ day is way better than Valentine's Day anyway.
Valentine's Day is tricky, and this column is only meant as a guide. The Observer is not responsible for any breakups that result from use of this guide. Remember: in the end, the best way to make sure that your gift is perfect is to enlist the help of friends – usually friends that are girls, or gay. If you're looking for the perfect gift for your girlfriend, ask her roommates. If you're trying to pick out a gift for your guy, get your best friend to ask him for suggestions for her boyfriend while you're out of the room, then report back.
