The Observer, February 24, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 18
The science behind saying "I'm sorry"
Have you ever said something and then immediately wished you hadn't? Who hasn't? A recent study about "regretted messages" may give some insight into how social interactions and brain function can influence the outcomes of incidents involving saying something when we should have kept our mouths closed. One of the people playing a leading role in this research is Case's own Krya Rothenberg.
Rothenberg defines a regretted message as "something someone said and feels sorry about and/or feels he/she should apologize for." In 2005, Rothenberg worked in collaboration with Janet Meyers of Kent State University to conduct a study of the relationship between regretted messages, apologies, and cognitive communication. In other words, Rothenberg and Meyers sought to gain a better understanding of what
goes on in the minds of individuals after they have said something they wish they hadn't.
The 2005 study focused on a sample group of 204 undergraduate
students, of which a little over half were female. Participants were asked to complete a survey that included a variety of open-ended questions related to situations in which regret over saying something led to the need to apologize for their verbal mistake. The surveys used examined three main issues: the degree to which the statement said was deemed offensive by the person who said it, the relationship between the offender and offended, and the emotional distress felt by the person that had spoken the regretted message. These issues were examined in relationship to the offender's "strategy" for apologizing. For instance, changing the subject after saying something offensive or justifying the offensive statement are examples of apologizing strategies.
The results reveal some interesting information about the relationship between situations involving regretted messages and apologizing strategies. For example, results from the study found that as the seriousness as the offense increased, so did the likelihood that the offender would choose changing the subject as an apologizing strategy. Similarly, level of intimacy between the offender and offended corresponded directly to higher rates of straightforward apologies. Perhaps one of the most interesting findings from this research is that people felt high levels of anxiety during efforts to apologize, often did not apologize at all, and chose to ignore the subject.
Previous research has shown that individuals who do not apologize are more likely to receive blame. Thus, those individuals that are refraining from apology due to anxiety are suffering doubly, both from anxiety and from increased blame.
These conclusions have important implications for society at large. Frequently, many of us find ourselves apologizing for saying something we either did not mean or did not mean to be hurtful in a particular way. So next time you apologize for something or choose not to, you may want to consider the multifaceted psychological influences affecting that apology.
Rothenberg received her Ph.D. in communication sciences. She is currently conducting additional research meant to sensitize people to the effects and influences of interpersonal communication.
