The Observer, February 24, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 18
Worst Case Scenario: So what are you doing next year?
After answering this question with a vehement shoulder shrug (and irritated eye roll) for the past few months, I decided it was time to generate a real response. Granted, I'm still working on it, but at least I can offer a few potential paths.
You, too, will reach this crossroads/fork in the road/seven-way stop sign/dead end eventually. And only one method exists for determining the best way: road trip!
Some of you will have the great fortune of pursuing top-level jobs or elite graduate schools, which will probably pay for your travel, accommodations, and a few hoity-toity meals. While you'll feel like a big shot in your business class seat with your suit neatly folded overhead, you'll also miss out on some of the joys of solo road travel.
It's also wise to miss out on the pains of the highway system. Checking the weather helps; driving through snowstorms in Indiana isn't really the most delightful way to get to/from Cleveland. In fact, I suggest avoiding Indiana altogether, though it does boast some of the most thrilling cornfields this side of Iowa.
A Gatorade bottle is a must for men. It, like Rolaids, spells relief. Women, um, just keep track of the distance between rest stops, I guess.
Avoid being in a hurry. Highway patrolmen in the middle of any state have very little else to do besides point radar guns at oncoming traffic. They do it so often that it's like their job. In fact, it is their job.
If you do have the misfortune of driving across plain territory (which is almost assured based on the general terrain around Cleveland), I suggest several strategies for self-amusement.
(No, not that. I leave that topic to the Sex and Dating columnist.)
The most important situation to consider is the posture. Sitting in a car is generally interminable, but we'll gladly sit in plenty of other places. Like cinemas. So, bring a film; it's the new drive-in theater! Motion pictures in moving vehicles!
Grab a laptop and your preferred, network-provided movie, use your tape deck adapter, and be taken to a dream world of magic as you take yourself to a world of post-graduate studies. Avoid The Fast and the Furious, considering the aforementioned highway patrolmen.
Nerf also sponsors a fun in-car diversion with their suction cup basketball hoops. Betcha can't make 10 in a row off the side window. If that's too easy, move it to the rear windshield. On the outside. Off the steering wheel, over the headrest, through the sunroof...nothing but net. And no, Charles Barkley still cannot play.
These diversions are sure to enliven your trip. If nothing else, you'll at least wreck your car and/or get arrested for vehicular homicide. Which, if you're convicted, will certainly give you something to do next year.
