The Observer, March 3, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 19
Worst Case Scenario: Nostalgia
This may mark me as an anomaly, but the last time I played a computer game other than solitaire or Tetris was in the St. Ann elementary school computer lab, on computers we called "Apples," not "Macs." Those were the days: Dino Park Tycoon, Dr. Quandary's Island, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and – most memorably – Oregon Trail.
I'm sure Oregon Trail was designed as an edutainment, and it's entirely possible that my classmates and I may have learned a thing or two while we stocked up on as much ammo as possible (99 boxes with 20 bullets each at $2 per box yields $198 spent and mucho huntin' fun). But let's face it: the real appeal of Oregon Trail wasn't in the lessons imparted about manifest destiny or money management. It was about the hunting, about the members of your party dying of dysentery, and trying to ford the river without killing the f---ing oxen.
Did I mention hunting? Wasn't it cool how the little animal graphics flipped upside down after you shot them? Didn't your little third grade heart swell with joy when you killed 10 buffalo in one hunting foray? And wasn't it great how you could write epitaphs for your dead comrades?
Here lies andy.
Peperony and chease.
This weekend, while avoiding homework, I searched for the classic version of OT, downloaded it, and proceeded to do lots of hunting. It was gratifying, especially when I managed to fill every spot in the top ten with "KATHLEENISGREAT."
But it strikes me that Oregon Trail could be improved now that we're older, wiser, and considerably less naïve. Manifest destiny wasn't all rosy and happy, you know. If anyone wants to tinker with the game and add the following capabilities, I'm willing to bake him/her massive amounts of cookies:
1. Abandoning sick/injured members of the party. They drag down group health ratings and consume food. If JIMBOB has three broken limbs, a snakebite, and dysentery, you should be able to leave him by the side of the trail.
2. Killing oxen for food. This probably happened, and it's not like anyone's ever gotten seriously attached to a conglomeration of white pixels. Insufficient or bad water? Tap a vein and drink ox blood.
3. DIY Indian affairs. Cheat your Indian guide after he/she helps you across the river. Help Uncle Sam herd them onto reservations and build railroads through their sacred hunting grounds. Encourage inter-tribal warfare. Break treaties. Distribute smallpox blankets. Try to do all this without getting killed by those you've wronged.
4. Hunting. Kill thousands of buffalo and carry back 100 pounds of tongue to sell to restaurants in St. Louis. Tame buffalo instead of buying oxen. Triple your score if you hunt the buffalo to extinction.
5. Lawlessness. If your wagon can be robbed, why isn't there an option to make raids on other wagon trains? Give out bad information to other emigrants. Murder and steal. Rob the Pony Express. Settle on the side of the trail and become a profiteer.
