The Observer, March 24, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 21
Sex & Dating: Shop around
What is it about a certain person that makes him or her attractive? As we mingle with other people, whether it's on the way to class or at a weekend party, we are unconsciously evaluating every person that we see based on our personal likes and dislikes. For most people, more than one factor must be taken into consideration when deciding whether a certain person is attractive or not. Judgments can be harsh, and first impressions can be wrong – in the end, it's the whole package that matters.
So how do you know if your cute lab partner is worth pursuing? Upon deep and profound reflection, it has dawned on me that the parameters for picking a partner are a lot like buying a car – minus a sleazy car salesman (unless, of course, you're into prostitutes).
1. Used or new? Not in the sexual sense (get your mind out of the gutter!) but in the more obvious social sense. When you think about it, this is the first and most obvious factor to consider: have any of your friends dated him/her? If so, this could be an awkward situation… or the perfect conversation starter (especially if the breakup was a ways in the past). If the breakup hasn't happened yet, back off: there's a reason stealing cars is a felony.
2. Mileage. Okay, now it's time for sexual innuendo. Let's face it, if the odometer is nearly at the 100,000 mile marker, you might not want to know where it's been – like all over the country. (Then again, anyone with that many miles probably provides an enjoyable ride…) Try to keep your expectations reasonable. Although cars depreciate as soon as they're driven off the lot, there's nothing wrong with a couple spins around the block as a test drive. Plus, my guy friends tell me that you have to be gentle with a brand-new engine.
3. Fuel efficiency. How much are you going to have to pay to enjoy your selection? Make sure you stay within your budget – this is definitely not a situation in which you only get what you pay for. You don't want to end up shelling out more than you can afford.
4. Body. If you don't like the way your car looks, you just won't enjoy it as much as you should. Maybe you like the shiny new Ferraris, or maybe you're a classic car aficionado. Everyone's got his or her own style – make sure your selection suits your taste.
5. The engine. How will it run? Is it smooth and well-lubricated, or crusty and old? There's really no way to evaluate the engine thoroughly until you get under the hood. Examine it for strange odors, unpleasant sounds, and worrisome appearances. Make sure you wear gloves!
6. Last tune-up. Make sure you have the car checked out before you take it home. You don't want to end up with an unsafe car that could put your health at risk – much better to shell out a couple bucks to test everything out.
The bottom line? The next time your parents/friends/relatives comment on your failed relationships, pull this article out, cross your fingers, and explain that a new car is the only way you will learn how to properly choose a boyfriend or girlfriend. Would they like to foot the bill? That should shut them up… or score you a new ride!
