The Observer, April 7, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 23
Cereal provides plethora of grain options
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According to the ubiquitous USDA food pyramid, nutrition should be founded by 6-11 servings of bread, rice, pasta, and – direct quote – cereal, which also comprises one of the five collegiate food groups along with pizza, Ramen, cold pizza, and Easy Mac.
Dining halls do not actually serve food. Then again, Ramen isn't really food either.
Now, just because we strive for healthy eating doesn't mean we can't also have delicious dining. Thus, a comprehensive cereal review, featuring the best and the worst.
Bowls of Beauty:
Quaker Granola
This is, by far, the most consumed cereal in my house. We go through the Costco-sized double packs like Snoop Dogg goes through dime bags. Crunchy, nutty, raisiny, and honey, it has the perfect balance of sweetness and whole grainness.
Mix it with vanilla yogurt (or, as I love, heavy cream) for a richer morning treat. You'll want seconds, but one bowl can fill you up. Don't let that stop you.
Honey Bunches of Oats
Granted, they are slightly bland on their own, but this generic nature allows them to be mixed with any fruit or nut of your liking. I add dried coconut, currants, and cocoa powder. Others prefer cranberries. It can even be blended with other cereals for a brilliant breakfast brotherhood.
Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs
Calvin says: "Tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich, fudgy taste." Hobbes says: "Like eating a bowl of Milk Duds." I say: "I wish comic strips became reality."
Dishes of Disgust
Frosted Mini-Wheats
I used to love these and steal them in bulk from Leutner. But my taste buds no longer enjoy the raspy shredded wheat grating my palate. Besides, only a select few biscuits actually have sufficient frosting to be enjoyable. Finally, their size prohibits flexibility in mixing; dried fruits sift quickly to the bottom of the bowl. But at least raisins and milk would be a good finish.
Grape Nuts
No grapes. No nuts. No flavor. Maybe useful as bird feed. Maybe. But who buys a product whose name is a plain lie? Okay, okay, so we all believe it's not butter. At least it simulates the flavor.
Cap'n Crunch
Yes, we all want a little captain in us, but we'd prefer not to have it come at the price of a shredded mouth. What's a crunchberry anyway? Oh cap'n, my cap'n, rise up and hear the yells (of our bloody tongues).
