The Observer, April 14, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 24
Experiences not always what you bargained for
Seeing as how I have finally accepted the fact that I have roughly a month left in Cleveland before I depart for the great unknown, I have decided that, for the most part, my time here was well spent. That being said, however, I did some stuff during my four years that really didn't help me grow as a person. So without further ado, here are The top ten things I really didn't need to do to get the most out of my college experience:
10. Four jello shots in a row. This one was at the end of freshman year and not only do I not remember very much about the rest of the evening, I'm convinced I still have the residual effects of that hangover. I couldn't be in direct sunlight or stand up for more than three minutes for two days following that experience.
9. Three different dates. Three different guys. One night. One exam the next day. Not only am I no longer on speaking terms with any of the men involved, but that wound up being the Chem 111 exam I dropped, for obvious reasons.
8. That student group I joined because I thought it would look good on my résumé. Enough said.
7. That time I went 40 hours without sleeping. Then I slept through the review session for the exam I had been up all day and night cramming for.
6. The computer virus that spammed everyone I knew. I counted at the end of the ordeal and I had five pieces of hate mail, six e-mails that offered to fix the problem, and one from some guy who claimed to have met me during orientation week of freshman year and wondered if by sending him a virus I was trying to get in touch with him.
5. My brief fling with crash dieting. I started to get a little panicky that the freshman fifteen had not only settled itself quite comfortably on my hips, but also that it was showing no signs of leaving. So I decided to eat only raw vegetables and drink water, which after three days left me completely unable to concentrate on anything, stay awake, or be civil.
4. Any time when I spent more than six hours in the lab. By hour five I lost the ability to pour, pipette, count, or press a button, and my time spent in the lab was that much more futile. Plus those were always the days where I realized at the end that I had been doing everything backwards and would have to come in the next day to redo it anyway.
3. The semester where I had class until 9 p.m. every night but Friday. I remember one day I was about to eat potato chips and I suddenly realized that I couldn't because they would make me thirsty. If I was thirsty, I would wind up drinking a lot of water. If I drank a lot of water, I would have to go to the bathroom and I just didn't have time to go to the bathroom until after nine.
2. That phase I went through where I woke up at 6 a.m. to run before 8:30 a.m. lab. Except I never actually made it to the running part. I had the alarm set for 6 a.m. every Tuesday and Thursday, and then when it went off I hit snooze. After an hour and a half of pressing "snooze" every nine minutes, I got up and vowed to do better the next morning. It's a good thing I had a single that year – as understanding as all my roommates have been, I don't think anyone would have put up with loud, obnoxious beeping before 8 a.m. at nine-minute intervals.
1. When I attempted to research and write a 20-page paper in six hours. The "research" consisted of me frantically searching Google and citing anything some whacko with a network connection posted on the internet. The writing consisted of stringing all these whackos' rants together. Somehow I passed the course.
