The Observer, April 28, 2006
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 26
Worst Case Scenario: Exit Strategies
Impermanence is one of the primary tenets of Buddhism, and for good reason: everything changes. Thus, this oft-shifting life sometimes requires farewells.
Granted, these aren't always heartbreakers. Many a parting has been far more sweet than sorrowful. Like, say, the demolition of Baker.
John Lennon might not know why you say goodbye (he says hello, by the way), but I do. It's because changes come. But regardless of the source of the split, a graceful bow can be achieved in many ways.
Many people consider a victorious exit to be the ideal. History, however, shows this is not easily done. Michael Jordan had a picture perfect finale, clinching his sixth NBA title with a buzzer-beating jumper and posterific follow-through.
But then he couldn't even resist the "allure" of the woeful Washington Wizards, and made a rather ignominious comeback, befouling his legacy as a winner and stunting the franchise for a few years.
Jesus tried the triumphal entry. That glory didn't even last a full week, although He really nailed it. So to speak.
There's also the "going down in flames" theory, in which one, unable to achieve the aforementioned success, crafts a historically catastrophic conclusion. The Titanic or the Hindenburg tend to be cited as prime examples of this demise, but true forms are self-inflicted. I submit Messrs. Cobain, Hendrix, and Phoenix for your consideration.
For something completely different, consider the words of General Douglas MacArthur: "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away." Honestly, I don't know what that means. Sounds like a government conspiracy. Or a more pleasant way to describe the otherwise disgusting process of corpse decomposition. Or perhaps the work of supernatural forces.
Some lame people write adios-themed columns.
However you choose to say your sayonaras, do try to avoid announcing your retirement from male modeling at a funeral, even if it may later lead to a glorious comeback. It's just too ironic to add an adieu to that setting.
Personally, I think the "happily ever after" is best achieved by focusing on the "once upon a time." This approach seems to explain why I have been caught totally unaware by the conclusion of my collegiate career; I was too busy thinking about how it all began… and how I got here. I also think it's an ample excuse for why most of my final projects look almost started.
It's only appropriate to, ahem, part on my pun.
