The Observer, October 14, 2005
Volume XXXVIII, Issue 7
Sex & Dating: Choose your own break-up letter
Breaking up is hard to do. Obviously. All I can say is practice makes perfect. But let's be honest here – we're college students. Chances are, most of us do not have a great deal of experience in letting someone down gently.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I present the "choose your own breakup letter." Feel free to use it in its entirety or as inspiration for your own special moment. It can be tailored to meet your every need, from the dirty partner who keeps sleeping with everything that moves to the quiet computer nerd who has yet to speak to you in person.
Dear (insert name of soon-to-be-ex-significant-other here),
1. I (am/am not) sorry to do this in a (letter/email/IM). [If you are sorry, go to two. If not, go to three.]
2. I just don't think I can do this in person. I want you to know that it's not you, it's me. [If this is true, go to four. If not, go to five.]
3. I've decided that I cannot have a relationship based solely on electronic communication. I know we go to Case, but that's no excuse. [Go to eight.]
4. I'm just not at a place in my life where I have time for a relationship. I am too busy with (friends/classes/The O.C./my fraternity or sorority/extracurriculars/jail time/my alter ego) right now. Maybe we could try again another time, when we can fully commit to a relationship. [If you actually would like to try again later, go to six. If not, go to seven.]
5. Actually, it is you. You are (smothering/ignoring/annoying/cheating on) me, and I'm sick of it. Try not to call me. [Go to seven.]
6. Until then, keep in touch, and I hope there are no hard feelings. [If you do not feel guilty, go to eight. If you do, go to nine.]
7. After all, you know you're going to miss this hot action. And where else are you going to get it? [Go to eight.]
8. Sincerely, (insert your name here. NOTE: affectionate nicknames are usually not appropriate here.)
9. We did have some really great times together, and I will always remember them. And remember, this really wasn't your fault. I promise. Actually, I probably led you on. It was totally my mistake. I feel really bad. Really. Please don't hate me. Okay, I'll see you around. (insert your name here – NOTE: affectionate nicknames are usually not appropriate here.)
Please use the above letter with caution – this is not the sort of thing you can take back if you change your mind. The Observer and its staff cannot be held responsible for any damage done to your personal life or reputation following use of the above letter, and strongly encourage careful proofreading before you send it.
