The Observer, November 17, 2006
Volume XXXIX, Issue 11
Sex & Dating: Surviving the holidays
The holidays are a chance to create traditions with your partner. They're a chance to discover your sweetie's history, and a chance to learn more than you ever wanted to know about your honey's family. Oy. It can be a harried time, but it's survivable (with your union intact) if you follow the Three Holiday Commandments.
1.Thou shalt not save too much room for the "real" meal. If you and your honey live near each other, you might plan on attempting an appearance at all the holiday soirees. Cute idea, really. However, your own family's tradition glows just a little bit more than your beau's, so you'll be tempted to save all your belly room for it. Bad plan. Don't just pick at your food, don't say that you're too stuffed from your own family's meal, and definitely don't say that you are saving room for later! It's offensive. Instead of having only a salad and bread, get a little (very little) bit of everything, so that it looks like you're really eating. That way you can compliment the cook on each dish. Talk it out with your honey beforehand, so you both know what the protocol is and you both follow the dining rules.
2.Thou shalt not parade your sex life around before your (potential) mother-in-law. Maybe you're planning on spending the whole weekend with your sweetheart's family. Pack wisely. It's tempting to throw in that cute little negligee you have as a nice "holiday surprise," but it has too much potential for disaster. Invariably a dog, child, or crazy great aunt will get into your suitcase, and it will end up on the dining room table. And the same goes for protection. Condoms, diaphragms, birth control, etc. must be hidden away like stolen jewels. Think of tucking them inside rolled socks or putting them at the bottom of boxes of tampons. Get creative with your honey as you pack. And no more sex right before bed or right when you wake up. If you are brave enough to attempt a tryst in the 'rent's house, it must be in the middle of the night. Think 4 a.m. Too many times relatives feel the need to poke their head in for one last goodnight, which can end in nightmares for everyone.
3.Thou shalt pretend to appreciate the family jokes and hobbies. It can be hard to keep a straight face while your cutie's father is telling you how every Christmas the whole family yodels while knitting each other tube socks, but you must. And you might want to cry while the whole family is cracking up over a knock-knock joke, but you have to at least give a chuckle. Don't respond to new (weird) activities with disdain. "Oh, cute idea to camp in the backyard each year as a family vacation. We usually go to the French Riviera." Instead, ask questions. Admit that it's something you've never done. They'll jump at the chance to let you in on something that's new to you.
Thanksgiving weekend is only four days long. You'll make it. Once you get through all the awkward moments, there are some really good things there. Cute nieces and nephews, a hilarious grandparent, and a chance to get a peek at where your cutie really came from: chances are, it will explain a few things.
