The Observer, November 17, 2006
Volume XXXIX, Issue 11
Worst Case Scenario: Internet Cataclysm
Several years ago, on a cold and dreary day in Cleveland, events unfolded that shaped the fears of humanity for decades to come. Events transpired which left Case isolated from the outside world in a way few here have had the misfortune to experience. Yes, speak of the ultimate doomsday scenario: the loss of the on-campus Internet connection. For nearly 36 hours, the World Wide Web was not accessible from a campus connection; while internal sites worked fine, such staples of campus life as e-mail, AOL Instant Messenger, and OhioLink were tragically unavailable. People actually had to talk to each other. Some saw their roommate's face for the first time. Almost 10 discovered the library. Indeed, these were dark times.
Though such upheavals have been rare, one will no doubt occur at some point in the future. In preparation for such an unfortunate occurrence, Worst Case Scenario would like to provide some suggestions for coping mechanisms.
Scream like a baby
This is a self-evident, but ultimately boring, reaction. Eventually, your lungs will give out and you will be reduced to rocking back and forth in the fetal position, whimpering pathetically. On the other hand, you may provide amusement for your stronger-willed comrades.
Buy duct tape and plastic sheeting
According to former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, these two items will protect you from virtually anything, including communism.
Start a Luddite cult
We've already talked in this column about how to start your own cult. Internet deprivation will put your victims in an uniquely vulnerable state that will make them acquiesce to your demands. You will then be able to cope with your lack of Internet by forcing your minions to blister their soft engineer hands smashing textile machinery. Remember to laugh maniacally.
Revive the Pony Express
Let's face it: your World of Warcraft addiction is too strong to let a mere lack of Internet keep you from playing. Saddling up and continuing play via mail may limit you slightly, especially when it comes to players on different continents, but you can still engage opponents in California with a mere ten day lag time!
Rediscover obsolete technology
Telephone – A device which provides audio communication between individuals in different locations. Parties are identified by 7 digit numbers instead of by screen names.
Television – Kind of like YouTube, but with less choice and debatably higher quality of programming.
Mail – Facilitates written communication between parties. You will need a writing implement, paper, an envelope, and a stamp. Stamps are self-adhesive, but you may need to lick the envelope flap to secure it.
Talk to a real live person
Remember to take turns in your conversation and to make eye contact (but not in a manner that makes you appear creepy). Topics can include your shared experience of deprivation and the impending collapse of modern civilization.
