The Observer, January 26, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 14
Worst Case Scenario: State of the University
In light of the current transition in leadership and the busy schedules of the administration, Bob the Squirrel will be giving the 2007 State of the University Address.
Casers, Reservers, Westerners, and Universiters:
The rite of custom brings us together at a disgustingly early hour – when the weather is horrid and acorns are needed. Honestly, I only came out of hibernation to stash up on food. But then some man in a suit offered me four times my weight in acorns to talk to you guys about some stuff, so here we are.
Some in this lecture hall are new to the administration and the student body – and I congratulate the usual male engineering and science majority. Yet we're all held to the same SAGES requirements now, and called to serve the same good purposes: to extend this learning environment's power; to spend the parents' and alumni's money; to solve problem sets now, not leave them to future classes; to guard Case against Carnegie Mellon; and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to be English majors.
Later in the semester, I'll probably deliver a full report on the state of our budget. I'm not that worked up about it, though, because Suit Guy promised me another bag of acorns, which means I can pay off Vinny and make it through winter. That's huge for me, just like your deficit. This morning, however, I want to discuss three reforms that deserve to be priorities for this administration.
First, we must decide what to call the university. You've all received a survey, and I was disappointed to see that no option was presented to change the name to Bob Squirrel University. The Fat Surfer Study Group will present its findings in a few weeks, and you will all be enrolled in a new five credit -hour class designed to instruct you in making appropriate references to the university.
Next, we must evaluate the progress of the SAGES program. To demonstrate the successful melding of scientific inquiry with a solid base in the humanities, I propose the construction of a new binary walkway. Unlike the current walkway, however, the new binary monstrosity will impart the eternal words of Shakespeare on anyone who cares to decipher it.
Finally, I propose a campus beautification project involving the planting of large numbers of oak trees. This, coupled with voluntary food donations from students, will eliminate the conditions that force hungry rodents, deprived of food with which to stuff their cheeks, to form roving bands of violent marauders bent on the destruction of all that is Case-like and good.
The state of our university is strong, just like the tree I hibernate under. I just hope there's room for these new acorns.
