The Observer, February 2, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 15
Sex & Dating: You can't please everyone
Picture this: you and your main squeeze are back in the swing of things and it's all going swimmingly. But then suddenly, in the night, you discover a terrible secret! No, not herpes. (Whew!) Your friends can't stand your mate. Uh-oh.
A discovery like this can ruin friendships and relationships, but it doesn't have to go down like that. Your first reaction might be denial. No one could hate her… she has such a cute high-pitched laugh! It might even be defensiveness. Yeah, well, at least he's not fat, unlike you. Not productive. Believe it or not, there's a good way to deal.
First, ask your friends to explain why they feel this way about your partner. Is it the snide way she gossips about her friends when they're not around? Or is it the way that he's suddenly taking up all your prime weekend time? If they bring things up, really listen. Maybe your sweetie is a little controlling or rude or psychopathic. You never know.
Tell your friends that you're glad they were honest with you. If they told you about your beau's shortcomings to try and protect you, then that can be a definite good thing. Take some time to think over all the things they said … are any of them true? If they brought up specific examples, like the time she yakked on the phone to her mom through your whole Super Bowl party, try to recall the event and remember what really happened. Chances are, you sugar-coated your interpretation the first time around to protect your image of your cutie.
Take a few days to mull it over. You don't want to ignore what your friends have said, but you don't want to invent problems either! If you realize that what your friends tagged your mate for doing wrong is true, then they did you a favor… if the behavior bothers you as well. If you think that telling sexual jokes loudly at a party is endearing, then don't let your pals tell you your beau is bad for doing it. But if you find your sweetie's behavior as unappealing as your friends have, then you have the chance to either talk to your partner about it or find a new one.
If the things your friends brought up were rare events or they don't bother you, then you need to let them know. Tell them that you appreciate their concern but you're happy where you are and that you think your snookums is just perfect. They might roll their eyes, but don't let them argue with you. You heard them out, thought about what they said, and realized it was garbage. They have to respect that.
E-mail the Love Goddess at Aphrodite@case.edu
