The Observer, February 9, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 16
Worst Case Scenario: World's Worst Valentine's Day Gifts
It is upon us once again: the time of the year when pink hearts and chocolate stuff dominate every corner of every store, and the Case Men's Glee Club randomly serenades classrooms around campus. For some, the entire season is spent huddling in cold, frightened solitude, often playing Evercrack. For others, though, February brings two weeks of panicky plotting designed to wow one's sweetie on the big two-one-four. Those who fail in this mission are doomed to weeks of passive-aggressive sulking, video game widow(/er)hood, or outright violence at the hands of the slighted significant other.
Fear not, though. Worst Case Scenario is here to help the hapless. Nothing says "I love/like/lust after you" like a completely outrageous Valentine's Day gift.
Love on high: Why join the mile-high club when you and your honey can join the sub-orbital club? As featured in this year's Neiman Marcus Christmas Book, Virgin Galactic (http://www.virgingalactic.com) is offering booking for space flights on SpaceShipTwo. At a mere $200,000 per person, the flights are a steal compared to $20 million for a flight with the Russians. Cost: $400,000.
Napoleon Diamond Necklace: Jared diamonds are for wimps. Give a whole new meaning to "A diamond is forever" by stealing…er, obtaining…this spectacular piece of bling. It's located in the Hall of Gems at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, and I imagine that the security might be a tad high. Don't let that stop you, though. If a vertically challenged megalomaniac could get his girl this, so can you. Cost: Anywhere from free to an indeterminate number of years in federal prison.
An island nation: Has your honey ever fantasized about his or her very own island nation? Well, now you can make that wish come true. For only 750,000,000 Euros, you can have the Principality of Sealand transferred to your significant other's name! Since Sealand is a cozy 550 square meters, that's a mere $169,000 per square foot. Sure, its bunker-like geography in the English Channel isn't exactly romantic. But considering the two of you will be immune to prosecution for any intellectual property violations, won't it be worth it to get the RIAA/MPAA off your backs? Cost: $1 billion and all sense of romance.
The Hershey Company: A box of chocolates says "I forgot about the importance of expressing my adoration of you on this random day, and took the easy way out. Can I have the one with the almonds?" A majority holding in the Hershey Company says a lot more. Moving to Pennsylvania is optional, but recommended for maximum ambiance. Cost: Likely to be high, considering that Hershey's annual revenue tops $4.8 billion.
As always, Worst Case Scenario accepts no responsibility for any bullet wounds, imprisonment, or crushingly overwhelming debt incurred from these ideas. Best of luck!
