The Observer, February 16, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 17
Revenge
It has come to our attention here at Worst Case Headquarters (a lovely bunker on the shore of Lake Erie) that many of the ex-friends, not to mention enemies, of a certain Eastern European president have recently met with untimely and suspicious demises. We do not wish to insinuate in any way that polonium-209 is not an extremely common substance that anyone could accidentally get on their sushi. It happens all the time, and nobody – certainly nobody with a grudge or agenda – is to blame.
It's just that revenge has been on our minds lately. In case someone humiliates, embarrasses, harms, or threatens you (by, for instance, sending a singing Valentine to your large survey class), a plan of action is critical. So critical, in fact, that we have several. This week, we present the Worst Case Scenario Guide to Revenge.
A swim in the lake: Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Just not when it's Lake Erie right before a freeze. Time this one right (if the slight happens in summer and you're not very patient, this may not be the method for you), and your enemy will suffer from massive chemical poisoning right before freezing to death. Weight him down with his lovingly acquired epic collection of 20-sided dice for added effect.
Flying lessons: Invite your enemy along on a scenic trip designed to teach her the basics of flying. When you push her out the back of the airplane, she will either learn to fly before she hits the ground…or she won't. Renting a plane might be a little expensive, but if it's important enough to kill over, it's important enough to go broke over.
Dungeon and dragons: Propose an evening of D&D. When your enemy arrives, show him down to your dungeon, which – naturally – will be filled with dragons.
Facebook: Start a humiliating Facebook group about your enemy. "Hester Prynne is so loose she's got a whole scarlet alphabet," or something of the sort should suffice. Invite everyone at Case. Trust us, people will join anything on Facebook. Bonus points if the enemy joins her own group because she doesn't get the insult.
The blind date: Set up your enemy on a blind date at a popular campus spot at a busy time…with no one. This should be especially easy, since there's only one party to inform. For added laughs, videotape his experience and post it on the Internet.
Something to remember: Lethal plans should be reserved for use after incidents of severe crisis, since the consequences to you could be grave…although not as grave as for your victim! Non-lethal plans should be used for less catastrophic blows to your psyche. These aim merely to maim or humiliate your enemy, and allow you the pleasure of watching her stew afterward. Be careful, though – the possibility of avenging the revenge is always there.
