The Observer, February 23, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 18
Worst Case Scenario: I'm Employable
As I approach graduation, and plot ways to smuggle reading materials and other forms of entertainment under my robe into Veale, it has occurred to me that I may wish to obtain what is commonly referred to as "a job." While my employment at The Observer has been fulfilling in many ways (No, I can't tell you how. We're all sworn to secrecy.), my paltry salary will not support the lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed. Fortunately, I have been engaged in a rigorous process of self-examination, and have realized that I am actually qualified to perform quite a few "jobs."
Lady High Chancellor of the United States (formerly Office of the President)
Current events seem to indicate that no qualifications are required to hold this job. Nonetheless, I feel that my fluency in English more than qualifies me to replace the current occupant of this position. I do understand that this is a lifetime appointment bearing the onus of being responsible to no one but myself, and I firmly believe that I will not misunderestimate the opportunities this presents. To give but one small example of my vision for this great nation, my first act as Chancellor will be the logical extension of the empire to include America North (Canadia) and America South (Tijuana). Bring it on!
Rocket Scientist
In this age of uncertainty about the future of manned spaceflight, NASA needs scientists who are not afraid to go boldly where no American has gone before: the metric system. As a soon-to-be college graduate with no science courses since high school, I have a firm grasp of the importance of labeling all answers with the appropriate units. King Henry Doesn't Mind Drinking Chocolate Milk, and you won't regret hiring me.
P.S. – If you don't understand the mnemonic device, you obviously aren't qualified for this job.
Drug Czarina
Nancy Reagan may still be recently bereaved, but the war on drugs must go on without our dear Ronnie. As the sole remaining American not forced to resort to lame excuses like "I didn't inhale," I will bring a moral clarity to this momentous struggle for the souls of our unborn children. Under my watch (which will necessarily include pervasive video surveillance of all citizens over the age of four), the drug traffickers will be forced to find new markets for their deadly wares. As we speak, I am in negotiations with the Kremlin to divert the flow of drugs to Siberia, where residents are in dire need of out-of-frostbitten-body experiences.
Head Librarian, Library of Congress
When it comes to alphabetical order, I have mad skillz. Also, I am highly literate, and enjoy the smell of books. Have you ever picked up a book, opened it, and burrowed your nose into the spine? You haven't? Really? You, my friend, have not lived. I consider myself a veritable connoisseur of book binding aromas. Works published between 1969 and 1977 are my favorites – I don't know what they were putting in the glue back then, but opening one of those books is quite a trip…if you know what I mean.
