The Observer, March 2, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 19
Worst Case Scenario: The Fat Surfer 2003-2007
The Fat Surfer, the standard-bearer of Case Western Reserve University, passed away this weekend. He was four years old. As of press time, the cause of death was unknown.
Fat Surfer's scantily clad, obese body was found Monday morning on the banks of Lake Erie. He was barefoot, and his frozen fingers clutched his trademark surfboard. Initial reports stated the obvious – Fat Surfer succumbed to the cold water of Erie while foolhardily attempting to surf in the Ohio winter. On local news stations, somber-faced anchors reminded Clevelanders that no matter how attractive the frozen fetid waves of Erie look in the winter months, attempting to surf – especially without proper equipment – can result in tragedy.
While Fat Surfer's demise failed to attract the national media fascination showered on Anna Nicole Smith's death last month, conspiracy theories abound. The Cleveland Police Department will state only that Fat Surfer died suspiciously and that they are diligently pursuing leads, but popular opinion points the finger at the Case Western Reserve University administration. That Fat Surfer's close relative, Case, also passed away Monday under similarly suspicious circumstances only deepens the mystery.
An anonymous source who insisted on meeting in a dark parking garage revealed his theory to Worst Case: "It was those goons in Adelbert. Now, I'm not saying they did it themselves. No. They had henchmen. You know that consulting firm they hired earlier this year? Well, they said it was to assess the state of the "brand," but I knew that was bunk all along. They had it in for Fat Surfer, and when the opinion polls said nobody would actually care, they authorized the hit. Fat Surfer didn't freeze to death. He was murdered!"
When confronted with our source's theory, the administration chuckled sinisterly before smiling in what we assume they fancied was a benign manner. "The idea that we would murder Fat Surfer is absurd," they said. "Yes, he was the object of some resentment in the community, and we suspected that he was behind the drop in alumni giving, but we were addressing this with him in a positive, productive way. Case Western Reserve University does not condone murder, and certainly cannot be held responsible if Fat Surfer made a poor decision about his recreational activities." They then went back to planning ways to spend future alumni donations.
Reaction on the CWRU campus was mixed, but generally muted. While many assumed the administration had offed Fat Surfer, no one interviewed for this story expressed any signs of real grief. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Sure, I'll miss the comic relief Fat Surfer provided to my educational experience, but I'm really not that sad. Maybe people will take my degree more seriously now."
When we contacted a Western Reserve University alumnus, he snorted and said, "He had it coming. They've all had it coming, ever since 1967. Save your Wet Dry Fountains: Mather Quad will rise again!"
The Fat Surfer is survived by the Rising Sun, the Turkey Butt, CWRU, and the administration. No funeral will be held; in order to reduce expenses, the university will instead perform low-key "phasing out" ceremonies across campus over the next several months. In lieu of flowers, alumni are asked to make sizable monetary donations payable to Case Western Reserve University.
