The Observer, March 9, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 20
Worst Case Scenario: Stuck in Cleveland
Spring break is upon us, and while many students debark to exotic locales such as Florida, Yucatan, Baja, and Pittsburgh, there are those of us who, by choice or necessity, will be remaining in Cleveland. This week, Worst Case Scenario presents a handy guide for these stranded students.
A strict realist viewpoint would have to admit that what students stuck in Cleveland will experience is in no way "spring break." It is a week spent in a godforsaken winter that happens not to include the usual routine of classes, reading, and problem sets. Even the calendar provides no comfort – spring (which is almost always a cruel semantic joke in our dear city) doesn't start until the week after the break. But while we might more accurately term the reprieve from classes a "winter lack of school," we'll accept the conventional terminology and move on to how to replicate, or at least pathetically imitate, the spring break experiences of your more fortunate classmates while stuck in Cleveland.
The first step to creating a spring break experience is to don the appropriate wardrobe. In Cleveland, weather presents some challenges, but the subzero temperatures need not prevent your attire from broadcasting your hedonistic attitude and lack of responsibility. For women, bikinis should be considered de rigueur, although they may have to be bought several sizes too large and worn over snowsuits. Male Browns fans should already be accustomed to baring their chests in ridiculous weather, but for spring break purposes, they should leave the body paint at home. Footwear may prove difficult to manage – if you wear flip-flops, be prepared to let the lovely staff of the UH emergency room treat you for severe frostbite and digital necrosis.
Once you've attired yourself appropriately, the next step is to create an atmosphere of wild debauchery. Luckily for you, Cleveland is a hard drinking town, and St. Patrick's Day is next weekend. In fact, consuming enough alcohol may create such a warm, fuzzy feeling that you can't tell how cold it is. (Of course, passing out in a snowdrift will quickly result in a very non-spring break experience of freezing to death.) At any rate, finding a bar shouldn't be too hard; finding one at which you won't be ridiculed for dancing on the tables wearing a lei might be a bit more difficult.
The final component of your Cleveland spring break experience is an array of beachfront activities. Lucky for you, Edgewater Park is only a short drive away. The beach might be filthy and frozen, but you can still frolic in the snow. To commemorate the experience, bring a video camera and make your own Girls Gone Wild, Cleveland-style. Spring break here may not be ideal, but at least ending up on the Internet ditching your bikini top to reveal your parka won't impede your job prospects.
