The Observer, April 20, 2007
Volume XXXIX, Issue 25
Worst Case Scenario: It's Spring. Really.
It's another April morning in Cleveland. I putter around the kitchen of my apartment, brewing tea and hoping that today maybe I won't turn my one egg over easy into its customary state – one egg, over mangled. Out of a sense of self-preservation and a certain fondness for my sanity, I have not looked out the window. My roommate, though, is not so wise. She shuffles out of her room and stops in the middle of the kitchen, her eyes fixed on the snow falling outside the windows by the stove. The look on her face makes me wonder (not for the first time) if I wouldn't perhaps be safer living with a convicted serial killer. My roommate, to put it lightly, is not pleased.
And neither am I. While I'm not too good at remembering exactly when the spring equinox is, I'm reasonably sure it came and went some time ago. I'm not too demanding. I'd be perfectly fine with sweater weather, or having to wear a light jacket in the morning. Even the occasional shower doesn't faze me. Snow and freezing temperatures in mid-April, however, make it seem like Cleveland might have relocated to above the Arctic Circle without me noticing.
This can't go on. Sooner or later, somebody is going to snap, and I don't want it to be my roommate. I just want it to be warmer, and I know you do too. So what can we do to help things along?
Promote global warming – I used to be distressed by this phenomenon, and like Al Gore, I believed it was an imminent threat to our planet. But now I find myself thinking that maybe the goofball-in-chief is right, and the whole thing is just a massive left-wing media conspiracy. Actually, I think some global warming would be great. Start driving everywhere, use CFC-laden products, and cheer whenever the ozone gets into dangerous ranges. For each hole you help put in the ozone layer, the NSA will tap one less of your phone calls each week.
Change the Master Plan – The first – and cheapest – step to campus beautification is flowers. However, it must be warm to grow flowers. Therefore, we should amend the Master Plan to include the immediate construction of a climate-controlled dome over Cleveland. It'll be like Florida, but without the tourists. As a secondary benefit, enrollment will skyrocket.
Buy stock in snow shovels and Polartec – Granted, this won't solve the problem of being cold, wet, and disgruntled. But the steady profits may do a little to warm your freezing heart, and may even be enough to pay the heating bill.
The worst thing we can do is nothing. It is our duty to rebel against the tyranny of Cleveland weather, even if that means shaking our gloved and mittened fists at the skies until mid-June arrives. Being able to look out the window in the morning without wanting to scream doesn't seem like too much to ask.
