The Observer, September 29, 2006
Volume XXXIX, Issue 5
Worst Case Scenario: Cultivation
Last week, this column discussed club membership. But what if you're not a joiner? What if your aspirations are greater than a leadership position in the world's most powerful learning environment, or you have better things to do than grovel for USG funding? You could retreat to your room, emerging only to spew bitterness and condescension at the sheep who see group membership as a ticket to bigger, better things.
Or you could start a cult. Cult leadership is not for everyone, but is a highly underrated alternative to complicity in the power structure of higher education.
Here are some things every potential cult leader should consider:
Goals: Forget those pesky other people for a minute. What do you want? Mass adulation and god-like status? Power? The thrill of manipulation? World domination? Personal amusement? Ulterior motives are also important. Is your cult a ploy to funnel millions of dollars into an offshore account? Are you intent on the overthrow of some institution? Think all this through. Your aims will help determine who you recruit and how you manage your followers.
Recruits: Elite groups don't accept just anyone. Your goals should influence your choice of followers. If you're interested in creating a world in which you are supreme, look for recruits with mild, easily molded personalities. Undermining the government of Liechtenstein may require recruits who know the definition of "principality." If you're aiming for demigod status, science majors probably aren't what you want. And so on. One rule holds for all cults, though. You need recruits with money. And you need them to give that money to you.
Fronts: Some sort of cover group is always a good idea. Put some effort into this – it's important to sound legitimate. Make letterhead, order t-shirts, and elect officers. This organization will be your main recruiting tool, and will provide you with potential cult members. Creating the cover may sound uncomfortably similar to starting a real club, but is vitally important. Sneak into a corner and cackle evilly every once in awhile to help ease the pain.
Tactics: To lead a successful cult, you must first attract, and then retain, members. Stage social events through your front organization to pull in prospies. Once you've identified your target disciples, turn on the charm and create an inner circle. Make members feel accepted and special, promote an us-versus-them mentality, monopolize their social lives, and work on getting those bank account numbers and PINs. Style yourself as a modern day prophet or messiah, but don't go overboard. Creating a quasi-religious myth about you and aliens is fine; predicting the world will end on April 3, 2007 could make things a little awkward on April 4.
Fun: Cult-building is hard work. I'm not going to deny that. But it's important that you not let the details interfere with your enjoyment of your cult. Follow these guidelines, and when you're sipping martinis in St. Thomas, you'll recall your college days with fondness, not regret.
