The Observer, October 6, 2006
Volume XXXIX, Issue 6
Sex & Dating: Letting go of your inhibitions
You know that adventure and creativity make for a great sex life. You might even know that your significant other wishes there was more spark and variety in the bedroom. But adding that spark is often easier said than done. Just knowing that a little spice is needed in your sex life is great, but it can be hard to do for the boldness-impaired. So here are some easy tricks to make that leap into the unknown a little less scary, and a lot more fun.
Get it out in the open. Before you can begin to address your bedroom shyness, you need to clue in your partner. Think of this as your first big step toward becoming more brazen in the bedroom. Tell him or her that you are a little antsy about diving right into this new wild sex life, so that you won't feel any pressure. And set ground rules for anything that is absolutely out of the question. Très important.
Ask him or her for suggestions. If you're shy about trying new things, you are probably even shyer about coming up with the ideas. Tell your partner to suggest something different (not too crazy!) and then all you have to do is go along with it. You don't have to worry about what your partner thinks of the idea, because it was his or her idea. Beautiful.
Write down fantasies and put them in a jar. Take some time to write out sex ideas together. (But no peeking!) They can be silly, sweet, or super-sexy. Put down those old standby favorites that you love, as well as new things that you've always wanted to try. Then once a week draw from the jar and try the new thing. Even though it might technically be your suggestion, this again cuts out the anxiety that comes with actually presenting the idea to your partner.
Play a sexy game. Cards and dice work really well. This is a great way to jump into new things, because you might end up trying a bunch of new things at once. Assign an action to a certain number that the dice can turn up or to a card or card combination. Make some of them sweet (massage, innocent kiss) and some of them new things. Because it's just a fun game and there is less anxiety involved. You're just following the rules of the game!
Have them go first. If you just can't shake your stage fright, have your partner go first. Have him or her do something that you would be terrified to do, like a strip tease or initiating a new idea. Then think about how you feel about it. You probably didn't judge him or her or think it was silly. You might even have thought that it was sweet that he or she did it for you. Realize that that is how her or she will feel too.
Work your way through this list, and you'll be ready for anything. Aside from beating your bedroom inhibitions, this will also build up lots of trust between you and your beau. And there can never be enough of that.
