The Observer, October 13, 2006
Volume XXXIX, Issue 7
Worst Case Scenario: Combating Boredom
Since I started at CWRU in 2002 (I didn't write an essay on why I wanted to come to "Case," people), I have heard the immutable cries of boredom from the plebian underclass masses. For a time, I was one of those poor, misguided souls, sitting in my dorm bemoaning the lack of appealing and affordable entertainment in and around campus. Admittedly, entertainment opportunities are not always obvious for the under - 21 crowd; with so many places carding at the door, after-hours entertainment can be hard to come by. This week, Worst Case Scenario will present some ideas for ways to combat boredom, all of which are cheap or free, open to all no matter your age, and may or may not be legal. We here at The Observer refuse to take responsibility for your arrest, imprisonment, and/or summary execution should you attempt and fail at any of the following suggestions.
Stage a coup d'état: There's nothing like change to keep life interesting. Your coup doesn't necessarily need to involve the U.S. government. The President's Residence on Harcourt is in a very nice neighborhood, within walking distance of campus, and certainly better furnished than your dorm. Other possible targets for your putsch include a particularly soporific class, or even your floor's RA.
Independently Verifiable Research: Ever wondered how much caffeine you would need to consume in a day to fall outside the 95th percentile within Case? How about the average tensile strength of the bolts holding a license plate onto a car versus the tensile strength of the bumper it's being held onto? Whatever your curiosities may be, make sure you survey an appropriate small random sample, thoroughly document your methods, and provide complete documentation of fitting statistical validations. After you're done, submit your work to any journals you deem suitable.
Chalk Graffiti: Ever met a member of ΨΦ? No? Maybe it's time to get the word out. Buy a bucket of sidewalk chalk and paint the campus walkways with esoteric science fiction quotes. Keep a list of what you've written and where, then post a questionnaire asking where each quote came from. Offer anyone who beats a minimum score membership in ΨΦ, complete with secret handshake.
Run for Homecoming Queen: Yes, I realize that elections are over by the time you're reading this, but why not get an early start for next year? And don't run some wussy little campaign with fliers and chalking; start talking to the Republican Party and sell them on the idea of funding your bid for royalty. Take out billboards, primetime TV slots, even offer to debate your opponents on any issue: any time, anywhere. Better yet, use your bid for royalty as a springboard for that coup mentioned earlier in the article. With the Republicans behind you, how can you lose?
