The Observer, November 16, 2007
Volume XL, Issue 11
Worst Case Scenario: Ah, love
I know, I know – I seem to be writing the wrong column this week, but here's my justification: It is my job to write about the worst, most traumatic experiences that students at Case Western Reserve University may face during their undergraduate tenure, and I could think of nothing more potentially devastating than the entangling grasp of love. It's not that love is that bad – sometimes. At any rate, the point is that love can lead to stress, heartache, frustration, sorrow, despair, and pregnancy – all of which you're probably better off without for the moment. Because I am a good friend, and care deeply about all of my readers, I have decided to compile some tips to help you lead the perfect love-free life you've been dreaming of.
For our first love-free alternative, I hearken back to high school world history, and Catherine the Great. By all accounts, Catherine the Great had far more lovers than she needed. Catherine was an expert at dispatching enemies, but lovers were giving her problems up until the day she died. Needless to say, had Catherine listened to the advice that follows, she would have been much better off. I say, cut out the middleman. Get rid of the lovers, and cut straight through to the enemies – they're easier to deal with. If an enemy crosses you, you can have them deposed and sent to Siberia. If your lover crosses you, your only recourse is to eat a family-size box of Junior Mints while watching a sappy chick flick.
Think about it: who couldn't use an arch-nemesis? Potential candidates are everywhere: the bus driver who smacked you the first time you rode a bus in Cleveland, the professor who gives a test the first day after Thanksgiving break, even your roommate. They don't even have to know that they're your enemy. You can spend hours making mean faces behind their back, and you'll have more satisfaction than you could ever have murmuring sweet nothings to your lab-partner-turned-lover.
The next option is a little more complicated, and teeters dangerously on the edge of love: adopt a pet. Intent is key. Don't buy a pet that you love or have always wanted – go exactly the opposite. This will prevent your owner-pet relationship from being complicated by messy feelings like affection. Bringing an animal that you don't like into your life causes what I will deem the As Good As It Gets phenomenon. Coined from the movie of the same name, this phenomenon is based on the idea that a cute, furry non-human that you don't like can cure you of your idiosyncrasies while you continually insult it in a dewy voice.
Finally, you can get a hobby. Hobbies are like lovers, only better, because you'll always get a payout equal to your effort. When you spend three hours and 10 bucks crocheting a sweater, you get a sweater worth 10 bucks. When you spend three hours and 10 bucks on a first date, you're not even guaranteed a pleasant evening.
Should you find yourself in a loving relationship, despite my best efforts, you are probably still to be congratulated. All the arch-enemies, pet-lovers, and blue-ribbon craftsmen envy your success. But I like to think we've won the better prize. A plain, ordinary, uncomplicated life alone forever…Aw, where's a good box of Junior Mints when you need it?
