The Observer, January 25, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 14
Quarked: Form letter to a presidential candidate
Dear Sir/Madam:
After watching your antics campaigning for the primaries, I must admit that you all remind me of two people sitting on opposite ends of a lifeboat, drilling holes in the bottom while sneering at the other. At this rate, the boat will sink and you will drown, unless you think you can walk on water.
1. None of you can walk on water. While I may not particularly care if you drown, the rest of us are sitting in the middle of the boat and need to survive longer than the amount of time it takes you to gain some momentary satisfaction. Please put down the drills.
2. Stop trying to scare me. You are perfectly free to alert me to issues that need my consideration, but I am not at all impressed by people who jump in front of me in the middle of a dark alley holding a flashlight under their face shouting, "Ooga booga!" I am not changing my mind either, so let's move beyond this.
3. The United States of America is a world superpower, period. As such, it is never going to be liked by everyone in the world all the time, so stop making your foreign policy sound like it was written by Barbie.
4. By the same token, just because you're a world superpower doesn't mean you have to be a complete ass about it. We do not need to trample over everyone else just to prove we can.
5. It is never acceptable to torture, deny habeas corpus, or commit a litany of other human rights abuses on your fellow human beings. Stop pretending otherwise, as this line of dialogue is despicable.
6. Stop confusing patriotism with policy. Just because I don't like your politics does not mean I don't like my country, nor does it brand me a traitor.
7. Belief is good, but thinking is better. This country began in an act of disobedience against a king presumed to rule through divine right, and our greatest contribution to global civilization was the foundation of a system designed so everyone can question governmental authority. Rational thought is at the cornerstone of how our government is supposed to work, and I am not going to throw that all away just to accept your say-so on any issue.
8. Your personal beliefs are just that: personal. The United States is not a theocracy (nor should we want it to be, considering how well they turn out), so this really should not be an issue.
9. The last time I checked, Franklin Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan are still dead. Live with this.
10. You will not change everything. I have followed the American political system long enough to notice that every four years we hear how a new face is going to redo all facets of governmental policy. In actuality you may change one or two things, but you will not change everything. Thank God.
Sincerely,
Your name here
Note to readers: The deadline to register for the Ohio March 4 primary is Feb. 3, 2008. College students usually meet the residency requirement, 17-year-olds may vote if they'll be 18 by the general election, and you can choose (or change) your political party affiliation the day of the election. To check your eligibility and for information on how to register, visit http://boe.cuyahogacounty.us/votinginfo/register.htm.
