The Observer, February 1, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 15
Sex & Dating: Critical situation
Most people care for their significant others a lot, or else why would we be with them? Still, there is bound they be a time when they do something we wish they wouldn't. Maybe they pick the same fights constantly, or never take your advice. Sometimes instead of helping our boyfriends or girlfriends, we end up hurting them by being critical. Criticism is something that is obviously easier to give than it is to take back and the one thing people don't realize is that you can't take something back once you've said it. Because criticizing your partner can sometimes lead to worse things, I'm going to show you how to nip it in the bud and give kinder, more helpful suggestions instead.
First, it's important to recognize why we criticize the people we love, and it's not always just because we're annoyed at them. Sometimes we give criticism because we seek to improve someone, or to boost our own self-esteem. It's not that you think your girlfriend is awful or you want to feel better about yourself, it's just unconsciously being defensive of yourself and protective of them. On the other hand, occasionally people will criticize others specifically to hurt them. If that is the case, there is probably something else bothering you about your relationship beyond a frustrating habit. Before you offer criticism to your partner, think about why you are doing so. If it is to help them or enact a positive change in your relationship, then you are most likely trying to do the right thing.
Next, we should look on the flipside and recognize why our criticisms could potentially be hurtful. If your criticism is mean-spirited and uses harsh words, your partner will probably focus more on the fact that you are putting him down instead of what you're saying. Also, most people assume they way they do things is right and don't like to hear that they are wrong, even if they are. We all tend to take criticism as a personal attack and not as a detached commentary on our behavior. Especially if the words are focused on them and not on their actions, they'll get very defensive. How do you get your point across kindly without hurting feelings?
Offer specific, positive suggestions instead. Recognize that no matter how nice your criticisms are, sometimes people won't assume you mean well and you won't be able to convey that you want them or the situation to improve. When I say "suggestions," I mean that you should think about how you phrase what you say. For instance, instead of saying that their action annoys you, recommend an alternative to them. Additionally, the word positive conveys that instead of concentrating on how bothersome something is, say something like "I'd love it if you…" or "I think it would be great if you…" Lastly, being specific is important to actually enact the change you want to see. It's always helpful to know how to fix something instead of merely pointing out the fact that it needs fixing.
Learning to criticize kindly can stop small fights before they become huge, and keep two people close by learning how to adapt to each other. The next time you're annoyed, consider offering a positive suggestion instead of yelling about it – it could save a lot of trouble down the road.
