The Observer, February 8, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 16
Sex & Dating: The Ex Factor
I think everyone agrees that the words "Let's just be friends" are the kiss of death in any break-up. You never know how serious you or the other person is being when they say that. It's not uncommon though, as more people want to at least try to be friends with their exes instead of having them totally removed from their lives. The most common thing is that people will try to be friends with their exes and it either doesn't work or ends up being awkward. If this problem has ever come up in your dating life, you are definitely not alone.
If you want to give being friends with your ex a shot, start by setting some boundaries and ask what the nature of your friendship will be. This obviously has a lot to do with the nature of the relationship and whether you started as friends, how long you were together, and how committed you were to each other. Think about whether you can see yourself still remaining close or if your friendship will probably just consist of occasionally exchanging pleasantries. There are different types of friendships you could have – friendships where you make a solid effort to spend time together, ones where you confide everything to each other, or friendships that involve seeing each other infrequently. However, it gets a little sticky if you choose to remain close with them, especially if the sharing of innermost thoughts and feelings is involved. Once you break up, it can be hard to discern what is really okay to tell an ex, especially if you are currently dating someone else. But don't take it to heart and think you can't remain close friends with an ex. Just think about the kind of information you are comfortable disclosing to them and what they would be comfortable hearing.
The next thing to ask yourself is if you can take passion out of the equation. Chances are you probably shared some intimate moments with this person, and even though relationships end, attraction doesn't fall by the wayside. If you are having trouble letting go in this way, this is the point in time where it will do you well to realize that it's over. Try not to feel bad for yourself that you are still oddly attached to your ex and instead focus on the positive idea that you have more time for yourself and the things you like to do. This especially applies if you are dating a new person or are thinking of doing so. One of the hardest things is to watch an ex move on before you do, because even if you don't like them that much, you feel like you failed. If this applies to you, please try not to worry about it and look ahead. Also, consider that maybe being friends with your ex isn't the best idea, because the longer you hold on to the friendship, the longer you may be holding onto feelings for them. If you can't truly move on and be okay with your ex dating other people or vice versa, consider your friendship with them carefully.
Lastly, remember that you are starting a new chapter in your life after a breakup. No matter how the relationship ended, it will never be over until you recognize that it is. And the sooner you do, the sooner you can go back to being friends with your ex and being satisfied with the fact that the relationship is over.
