The Observer, February 22, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 18
Sex & Dating: Breaking up and moving on
Breaking up sucks. I understand how obvious that may seem, but there is really no other way to say it. With everything you have to deal with emotionally, mentally, and physically, it's totally exhausting. And the worst part is that breaking up is like the common cold – the only known cure is feeling crappy for a certain length of time that nobody can ever really determine. However, everyone can use a little help now and then, so this week I am going to go over some steps to handling a break-up in a healthy way.
Accept your pain. It's important that you don't overthink the break-up and try to assign blame immediately. In fact, the first thing you should probably do is accept that this is going to be a rough time and that it's OK to feel alone, hurt, and that you messed up. But don't forget to also accept the fact that even though things go wrong sometimes, you are still a good person and nothing can change your good intentions.
Deal with hatred. When you are furious with your ex, it is far better to be angry in the short term and get over it than to try to rationalize your anger and end up extending your bitterness. Actually, it is preferable not only for you to allow yourself time to handle your negative emotions, but also to keep a safe distance from your ex. You never know what that hatred could do if it was unleashed, and it's better not to find out.
Release your thoughts. This is the point in time where it is a good idea to talk to your friends, write down what's on your mind, or just express how you feel to the rest of the world after you've already processed it internally. Surrounding yourself with people that you love and love you can help you take your mind off of it. Once you get it off your chest, it will also seem a lot further away than it was when you were just dealing with it by yourself, and you'll be able to learn from it and move on emore easily once it begins to fade.
Cleanse. Break-ups signify new beginnings, so making order out of the chaos that is your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared to face new things. Messes can be depressing and even add to your stress level, and additionally, occupying yourself with tasks that leave you feeling satisfied will make everything better. However, you will run into an object that holds a memory, and instead of smashing or tossing it, hold it for a moment and think about what it brings up and then you'll have a gut instinct of whether or not you're ready to let go of it or keep it around for a little while longer.
Let go and think positive. Eventually you will see that there is no sense in continuing to be heartbroken and regretful, and you'll realize that even though your relationship was special, there will be something else out there for you. Consciously channel your behavior to remain optimistic and encourage yourself to remember that if you fell in love once, you can do it again.
