The Observer, February 29, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 19
Climbing out of the relationship rut
Even the most exciting things get boring sometimes. Just as the novelty of sushi at Grab-It and the Starbucks in the Village staying open until 2 a.m. fades, so too will the novelty of your relationship. Now, this is not to say that all relationships will go from the honeymoon phase with lots of presents and phone calls that last for hours to nothing. But if you've ever found yourself wondering why it used to be fun and what happened to the two of you, you may be heading towards a long-term stage where you feel like suddenly things are starting to slip away.
Not everyone can work through this relationship rough spot, which is why a lot of relationships that involve people our age are expected to crumble after a few months. However, I like to give us the benefit of the doubt and remain optimistic that something can be done. The first thing to do is to identify how this happens. Most of the time when a relationship starts to go downhill, it represents a lack of appreciation. We still love our significant others (and in most cases, even more than in the early stages of the relationship), but we don't let them know as much as we used to. Then you begin to take each other for granted. When this happens, remember how important it is to constantly say and show how much you care about your partner, because wouldn't you want them to do the same for you? You should never assume that they know you love them: on the contrary, if you stop saying that you love them, they might question whether or not you do. Everyone wants to feel wanted and appreciated, especially in a long term relationship where you are a best friend and significant other.
Next, keep a reasonable perspective and try not to look at the situation as the fun of a new relationship slipping away. The beginning of a relationship where you are both trying to outdo each other to show how much you care is really special, but now you are moving into a phase where it's time to prove your dedication to the relationship. The fun isn't slipping away, in fact, things are getting better because you're getting the opportunity to show that you care about each other beyond the blinding effect of new love. Think about how much your significant other means to you and think about all the times they've really taken care of you – don't focus on their problems or faults, because we all have those. And when you think about the last time you told your partner that, hopefully you will feel compelled to go and talk to them and use this as a chance to fix the problem and not let it get worse.
How do you show your significant other that you still care about them? It doesn't take anything major – in fact, I am a huge proponent of little notes and phone calls. Small things make so much more of a difference, because a strong relationship is not something that will always be there; it is something that we should appreciate and recognize as a testament to how important you and your significant other are to each other.
