The Observer, March 28, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 22
Sex & Dating: Danger: relationship problems ahead
I love the honeymoon phase of relationships. Everything is peachy, you can't spend enough time with each other, and the other person appears perfect. It's impossible to see anything that could lead to a problem down the road because at this stage in the relationship, how could anything go wrong? Thankfully, most of us have had enough experience to start asking questions at this point…is there enough here for this to last? Do we approve of each other's friends/majors/life choices? What happens if this doesn't work out? It may seem a little pessimistic, like you're just asking for something bad to happen, but coming out of the rosy phase is actually the perfect time to start identifying things that could be bad news in just a few months time.
One of the first questions that is appropriate to start with is whether or not both of you are emotionally healthy enough for a relationship. The age-old advice is that you can't love someone unless you love yourself, which is quite true. If both people aren't mature and available, and lack a sense of themselves and what they want out of the relationship, confusion will abound. However, it is a little hard to tell if you are emotionally ready for a relationship, because are we ever really ready for anything? A good checkpoint when you're coming out of the honeymoon phase is to ask an outsider if it looks like one person is depending too much on the other. An emotionally unhealthy person will view a relationship as a way to solve their own problems. They're probably too afraid to be alone, so if someone mentions clingy behavior in your relationship, take a minute to think about whether this may be a problem.
Another thing that might hit you in the face as soon as you take off your rose-colored glasses is the fact that you could be moving too fast. On a campus where we program our lives into electronic mediums and still can't figure out where our time goes, instant gratification tends to be the rule. Relationships can definitely fail as a result of this, because people are in a rush to make it work and ignore any red flags, like the fact that there is nothing to talk about after you're done making out. You end up putting too much faith into your relationship because you want to make it work so badly. Excitement about a new relationship and believing that you can work through it is one thing, but forgetting that it will take time to grow used to each other is another.
Finally, the last issue that may manifest itself at the end of the honeymoon phase is the future. Maybe all of a sudden you realized that your summer internship will put you halfway across the country from your boyfriend, or his class schedule for next semester is no way close to matching yours. The thing to do here is remain calm, and know that this happens to everyone. Then, think about whether or not you have time to keep up a relationship with everything else. I think that more often than not, you will find that the solution to this and other similar problems is to enact a reality check every now and then while still taking feelings into account.
