The Observer, April 11, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 24
Why stop at a smoking ban?
To the Editor:
It's nice that spring is here again. It's warming up and people are starting to open their windows and let the world into their rooms once more. Unfortunately, as soon as people open their windows, they begin complaining. Open windows mean that they can smell that naughty individual three or four stories below them smoking that little cigarette. How pervasive and life threatening that odor must be! This, of course, leads to RAs sending out e-mails to remind smokers to obey the notorious 30-foot rule, filling my e-mail box with even more spam.
But since this anti-smoking, pro-healthy fad is so entirely popular, I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon too. In fact, I'd even like to improve on the 30-foot rule. I did some research and came back with some amazing information from the good people over at the CDC. Well, like everyone says: smoking is bad for you. Apparently, however, this message didn't sink in since one in five people smoke. This leads to roughly 400,000 deaths a year, from various causes. Here's another important, though less fearful message: bad eating is bad for you. Apparently, again, this message is even less adhered to, since a staggering one in three people in this fine nation are considered obese. This results in over 365,000 deaths a year from related causes. Obesity in this nation has been exponentially increasing in the last decade and shows no signs of slowing down.
So, what can we do about this? Here's my suggestion: extend the 30-foot rule to include cheeseburgers! We also need to ban cheeseburgering in public areas, for the safety of the general public, of course. Sounds ridiculous? I don't think so. Let's consider. If we make eating cheeseburgers inconvenient, maybe addicts will quit. Seriously, I sure don't want those second-hand calories near me! We can also institute a public hotline to help people quit their "addiction." This is surely an effective means of helping people and utilizing public funds, no? Cheeseburger addiction is a serious issue; it affects your health, your appearance, and your longevity, meaning it's probably actually immoral by Biblical standards. To curb this public health epidemic, instituting the 30-foot rule is obviously the most logical answer, right?
Next time you see some obese individual cheeseburgering near the entranceway of your residence, remind them of the health implications and encourage the 30-foot rule, for the health and safety of all. They may think they're smart and reply, "Hey, I have rights and I can cheeseburger where I want." You tell them "Rights? In America? In Ohio? Of course you have rights, but only 30 feet away!"
Brandon Mordue
Undergraduate student
