The Observer, April 11, 2008
Volume XL, Issue 24
Dates for dummies
Asking someone on a date is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's right up there with painting the nails on my right hand and calculus. Most of you who read my column can probably agree – unless you have a ton of confidence, it takes a lot to put yourself out there to someone who may not want what you have to offer. But believe it or not, for those of us who are date-challenged, there are some things to keep in mind that might ease the jitters that I'm going to share with you. This just might be a column for the fridge.
First of all, accept the fact that if you like someone and you want to have a future with them, eventually you will have to ask them on a date. Man or woman, gay or straight, you can never place responsibility on the other person to ask. Then, consider why you are asking them out on a date, beyond the initial attraction. If your answer is that you want to find out more about them or maybe get to know them better, you are probably on the right track. This may be a little tough, but also think about what their response might be. When it comes to matters of emotion, there isn't always a yes or no answer, and it's important to try to read all sorts of signs like body language and eye contact. Yes, even if you're a guy.
Next, remember that timing is everything. You don't have to mentally organize a speech, but it helps to have some idea of what you are going to say and when you are going to say it. For instance, it would be a bad idea to approach someone individually while they are with a group of people, or are in a conversation with someone else. One really important thing to keep in mind is to make sure that if they say yes, you have already thought of a time and place for the date. This will not only show your thoughtfulness and show that you are genuinely excited, but it will ensure that you actually go on the date. One of the biggest mistakes that people make in asking others on dates is not following through, and then it just gets awkward. So don't just take initiative, follow through with initiative.
Finally, once you've considered all of this, prepare yourself to expect the unexpected. They may want to know why you are interested in them, in which case it is never a good idea to be either too coy or too direct. People can sometimes be wary and may think you are pulling a fast one on them or aren't being genuine. To preempt this, it might be nice to flatter them and earn a little of their trust by saying something like, "Would you like to get coffee sometime? I've always thought you were really fun to hang out with."
Now go out there with a positive attitude and some courage and get yourself a date! And remember, no matter what happens, someone somewhere out there wants to date you, so your chances are better than you think.
