The Observer, October 12, 2007
Volume XL, Issue 7
Sex & Dating: The elephant in the room
It's amazing how hard it can be sometimes to articulate your feelings to someone you care about. Whether you're trying to tell them you want to have sex, or you want to move your relationship to the next level, you always worry about how the words will sound once you say them and how they'll be received. You're not sure if they'll understand how you feel, run out of the room crying, or just sit there. So, in order to evade potential awkwardness and hurt feelings, you beat around the bush. Anything to avoid talking about the elephant you both know is standing in the room.
If this has ever happened to you, you're not alone. The first thing to do is take a deep breath and think about the worst thing that could possibly happen. Maybe if you're trying to say "I'm ready to have sex," the worst thing they could say is "I'm not." If that were to happen, what would you do? It sounds a little pessimistic, but sometimes preparing for the worst can be the best thing you can do. That way, you've already thought about how to handle the situation if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted and it won't be so bad, or you could be relieved when it doesn't turn out so badly.
Another thing you can do to prepare for saying something particularly unexpected is to rehearse it in your head. If you're nervous about telling them how you feel, having some idea of what you want to say can help you to make sure you don't leave anything out. Also, consider who you're talking to and how you think they might respond. If you're already in a relationship with the person, they already know and understand you well. Ideally, they're a supportive person who cares about you and doesn't want to see you struggle. If you're not in a relationship with the person, hopefully you are friends and are comfortable enough with them to talk about what's going on between the two of you. No matter what the situation, remember that they are human too and can't always articulate their thoughts perfectly either.
The most important thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to be honest. This can be a little scary, but the relief you'll feel afterwards is totally worth it. And who knows, what if the thing you're brave enough to say is the exact same thing they were thinking? Even if that's not the case, you never lose by being honest because you'll have showed that you care about the person by treating them with the same respect you would want from them.
If you are a person who always communicates openly and honestly in your relationships, then kudos to you. Most of us fear rejection and heartbreak, being looked at like we're crazy, or being the needy and demanding girl - or boyfriend. But in light of all of those understandable fears, I don't think most of us would even have relationships to worry about saving if we weren't blunt about our feelings at least once or twice in our lives. Hopefully no matter what you're trying to say, you have good intentions and don't want to hurt anyone. Get out there and go talk about your feelings!
