The Observer, October 19, 2007
Volume XL, Issue 8
What to expect when you're expecting too much
Most of us are pretty fascinated by the romantic affairs of other people. Even if we feign disgust at the couples who hold hands in class and are always going out on cute dates, we're inexplicably drawn to monitoring their every move. And in doing so, we wonder when it'll be our turn to have a happy, healthy relationship. The good news is that it's not necessarily our fault – in a way, society dictates that a perfect relationship is a ridiculously adorable one in which there is little to no fighting or arguing. The bad news is that this kind of relationship is nearly impossible to have. But, the better news is that having unrealistically high expectations about what relationships should look like is a perfectly curable condition!
When the majority of relationships start, there is a rosy period of time when you are clouded by euphoria. You get really excited that you're with someone who shares your feelings for them and it improves your attitude about everything. However, when that wears off, the emotional climate of the relationship cools and you begin to realize that there are things your partner used to do that they don't do anymore and vice versa. This creates a stifling situation in which both of you place undue demands on each other and you begin to ponder the inevitable question: will this last?
To keep a relationship healthy, one of the most important things to do is be realistic. It sounds like common sense, but think about how many relationships crumble because one person gets tired of drama caused by the other person's impractical demands on them. So how does a person acquire realistic expectations? First, don't believe that once you're in a relationship, it'll be total bliss because you found each other. Eventually, you'll learn that no one person can meet your expectations all the time. As hard as it is to accept, it's more than likely that your significant other isn't going to fit your personality like a glove immediately and you're going to have to work through problems together and be understanding.
Another crucial thing to remember is to give your partner space. It's unrealistic to think that spending every waking moment together because you can is healthy, because eventually when one person remembers that they have classes and meetings to go to, the other will feel hurt that they don't want to spend as much time together. So when your other isn't meeting your emotional needs, spend time with friends or get some work done to take your mind off of it. More importantly, learn not to resent the times that they cannot provide what you need because they probably aren't brushing you off intentionally. Your personal happiness is entirely controlled by how you choose to react to situations, even though you can't dictate the circumstances caused by others' actions. In case you do resent it though, go back and talk to them about how you feel after you're calm so you can figure out how to fill each other's needs in accordance to each other's capacities.
And the next time you see a disgustingly adorable couple, resist the urge to wish you had their life. Instead, remember the great equalizing factor: that everyone will weather storms in their relationships but they'll come out stronger for it.
