The Observer, November 2, 2007
Volume XL, Issue 9
Sex & Dating: Taking some initiative
One of the most annoying things in a relationship is when your significant other refuses to take initiative with things. The amount of complaints I hear about one person in a relationship never being the person to call, e-mail, or show any interest in doing anything is ridiculously high, and I'm starting to wonder why exactly people are becoming so lazy. I mean, if they've established that they like you, they should want to spend time with you, right? Why is it so hard for them to just pick up the phone and ask if you want to hang out?
It's sad to think about it this way, but there a lot of reasons a perfectly good relationship could crumble. It could be that you don't have time for each other, you're not as close as you once were, or worse, you fell out of love. But as ugly as the world can be sometimes, I still like to believe that most problems are fixable. Any one of those reasons for a failed relationship could conceivably come from a lack of initiative. Usually the person who isn't taking initiative won't notice, so it's up to the person who recognizes the problem to do something about it. And this would be when that I tell you that it's time to have the uncomfortable "What are we doing?" conversation.
To some, the aforementioned conversation is overrated. They labor under the belief that if everything seems fine from the outside, everything must be fine on the inside. These people should be quarantined from dating society! OK, maybe that's a little harsh, but really, who doesn't dream of a partner who always notices when something is wrong and cares about you enough to see that your needs are being met? It's always awkward to begin this kind of conversation, but I would recommend jumping right in. Don't be afraid to be honest, because you won't get anywhere if you're not. If it's really bothering you, you'll be glad to get it off your chest anyway. And if all goes well, they will realize the error of their ways and you can start making some compromises about who will initiate what and when. I know it doesn't sound very glamorous to have this chat, but if you can work through a problem together and have a better connection by the end of it, it may be better than never having any problems at all.
If all else fails, stop and think about what this relationship is worth to you. What would you be willing to compromise if taking more initiative is a compromise for them? If this is the real deal, try to be tolerant. It takes a lot for people to change how they are, especially if they're shy to begin with. But remember to give yourself credit, because no matter how things work out, it's a pretty brave thing to admit there is a problem in the first place.
