The Observer, September 5, 2008
Volume XLI, Issue 2
Worst Case Scenario: A fishy situation
It's only the second week of school, and my suite has already killed two fish. We can't pinpoint exactly what it is that we did wrong; we fed them and kept them in a big bowl and showered them with love and affection. But alas, after only 22 hours into his stay with us, Caviar went belly up, taking with him the remainder of our dreams of flourishing aquatic life.
Since the flushing, we've tried our very best to figure out what it was that we have done wrong. We talk about it over dinner and cheesy Lifetime movies, Google it instead of doing our homework, and interrogate friends who have managed to keep animals alive and flourishing. For all of our trouble, we've managed to come up with a few tips in the case of any fish-acquisition in the near future.
I'm sure that you don't really care about how to keep a fish alive. As you read this, you are doubtless inundated with tests, exams, and homework already. Not to mention preoccupied with friends, boyfriends, or maybe even just that girl you made eye contact with in lecture. Nonetheless, I'd like to share them with you because I find that they are eerily similar to what a Case student requires to stay alive, regardless of the obvious difference of species.
Remember to feed it. You might think that this should go without mentioning, but I think you might be surprised. Remember to not only eat, but to eat healthfully. There's a reason you paid for so many meal-swipes - use them! If you're not feeling your best, you won't function at your best level.
Replace water every couple of days. I won't lie. The repetition of classes, homework, meals gets terribly boring. Make sure you switch it up every once in a while! Utilize the Greenies or the RTA pass helpfully provided and go shopping with some of your best friends, or explore some of the great sites that Cleveland has to offer. If you get caught in Case's doldrums, there's just no saving you.
Fish need friends too! Don't forgo your friends for work all the time! Be sure to make time for them too, even if it's just to watch a movie or play Halo.
Make sure there's a ratio of at least two females to every male. Oh wait. Never mind.
Make sure the bowl is big enough to allow for growth. Find what you love, and pursue it. Challenge yourself everyday. Meet lots of people, have fun, and make sure that your obscene amounts of tuition money are going toward what you enjoy.
Now, don't be offended that I'm comparing your above-average intelligence to that of a goldfish. Remember that this is coming from a girl who couldn't keep not one, but several, goldfish alive. I do, however, have faith that you will, unlike our aforementioned Caviar, manage to grow, flourish, and make Case your very own.
Think of it this way: you've already lasted longer than 22 hours, thus a fair bit longer than Caviar. What's another 28 weeks?
