The Observer, September 19, 2008
Volume XLI, Issue 4
Making money the (relatively) painless way
As the fourth week of classes comes to a close, many students, especially those who decided to buy textbooks, are starting to come up short on cash. Yet at the same time, many of these students have decided to indulge in lavish luxuries that require a more robust budget: luxuries such as eating. If you are one of these students, here are some tips on how to make some extra money during the semester. Keep in mind that these are not get-rich-quick schemes. Let's face it: the way your grades are looking right now, you'll probably never be rich. But they are methods of earning money that are incredibly easy to perform...because we all know you're not interested in putting forth effort. Seriously though, your grades are awful.
The first option is selling some of that stuff you have lying around. Now, before you get started on why you need all that junk, you should relax. I don't mean your stuff. I would never tear you away from your precious and seldom-used belongings. I'm talking about the stuff belonging to your friends and roommates. Look for stuff that has a good size-to-value ratio; you'll want to be able to cram a lot of stuff in your pockets. The added bonus of selling your friends' stuff is that you don't have to worry about getting a good deal for it. Feel free to offer all goods at unbelievably low prices to encourage buyers. It's not like you'll be facing a loss. And it's not like your roommate will notice that you keep coming into his room and leaving with his valuables. He's too busy playing Spore.
Another way of earning money is selling bodily fluids. You have a lot of options here; don't be afraid of taking advantage of all of them. Feel free to jump from clinic to clinic, shopping around for the best deal and doling out genetic material with reckless abandon. Even the Internet has sprouted numerous marketplaces for reproductive cells; start a home business! However, if you have some desire to retain a portion of your dignity, there's always selling blood plasma. You may not make quite as much money with this option, but as least you won't have some bratty kid showing up in a few years asking you to go to her soccer game.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're expecting me to suggest prostitution as a fashionable and lucrative way of obtaining funds. Shame on you. Do you think I have so little class that I would tell people to enter the exciting and glamorous world of sex tourism in order to make boundless amounts of cash with which they can be living in grandeur? I'm disappointed in you. There are so many negatives to being a professional sex machine. So put it out of your mind – your sexy, savvy mind.
With so many ways to easily earn money, you should have no problem buying food this semester. Just don't go overboard. A granola bar per day is quite enough. Don't be a glutton; it's gross.
