Candy corn is garbage, and other Halloween candy facts

Henry Bendon, Staff Reporter

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Halloween. It’s got everything—costumes, parties, drinking and candy. So much candy. According to Statista, Americans spent 491 million dollars on candy in 2016. 

One of the most difficult parts of the Halloween season is deciding which of the widely available candy options are worth taking the waistline hit. At least, it was—until now. The following is a definitive ranking of the best Halloween candies, presented in order of best to worst. 

  1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The Reese’s Cup is, for those not allergic to peanuts, the absolute peak of the candy universe. Creamy peanut butter surrounded in chocolate, served in a disposable cup that while probably bad for the environment, is definitely good for stopping the chocolate from melting all over your hands and making a mess.
  2. Snickers. Also chocolate and peanuts, but with a surrounding layer of caramel, and a chocolate that’s just dark enough to provide a contrasting flavor to the overly sweet commercial candy standard. Snickers also come in a variety of sizes, which makes them especially dangerous—you can eat 10 of the fun size Snickers before realizing you’ve had two. Special Note: USG President Marin Exler does not support this position for Snickers. Direct your complaints to change.case.edu.
  3. Kit Kat. It’s possible that this list is a little chocolate heavy, but for good reason. The Kit Kat bar suffers from a lack of relative flavor complexity when compared to a Snickers bar, but it more than makes up for its limited, delicious flavor by having the most enjoyable eating experience in all of candy. One does not simply eat a Kit Kat, one experiences it, first by breaking the bars down the middle and then by the crunch of the interior as you bite down. And the experience rules. 
  4. Milky Way. A regular Milky Way is a totally average candy. It offends no one, it has the right textures and it gets the point across. A Milky Way Midnight, however, is amazing, and it’s the reason Milky Way makes it close to the top. Nougat, carmel and chocolate so dark the package calls itself Midnight—which kind of makes no sense considering that’s the best time to see the Milky Way, which itself is stars—the Milky Way Dark is the best of the dark iteration of any candy, and a force to be reckoned with.

… Last. Candy Corn. This Halloween staple is garbage. It is terrible. No one should eat it.

There’s a whole bunch more candy out there, we want your comments. Harass this reporter on Twitter @henrybendon to tell him where he went wrong.