This week, instead of my normal rant about ridiculous things on campus, I would like to sarcastically present to you, the humble readers of this illustrious newspaper, a list of the top ten Case Western essentials. Without further ado, the things we could not live without:

Ten: Kelvin Smith. No, not the library, but instead referencing Kelvin Smith as your new best friend on Facebook when you spend more than twenty minutes in the library. Do you think Kelvin would appreciate your excessive references to him being your part-time lover?

Nine: Free food. What is the best way to attract a student to your event? Tell them there is an alternative to having to eat at Leutner. In all honesty, I did not prepare one dinner for myself last week because of the excess amount of food available.

Eight: Committees. If you want something to get done right, don’t do it yourself! Send it to a committee! We should start a committee just to look into the excessive amount of committees.

Seven: Mark the crossing guard. Nothing starts my day better than hearing Mark scream at a driver who isn’t using their turn signal.

Six: Excessive acronyms. I feel bad for freshman who have to navigate the alphabet soup of Case Western. There is UPB, USG, AMSA, WILA, COC, RHA, SLJC, WISER, GLO just to name a few. Seriously, our school name is used as an acronym – CWRU.

Five: Bragging about your epic night. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you were screaming about how trashed you were last night while you’re walking to the quad.

Four: Security alerts. Especially security alerts that deal with impending doom like thunderstorms with hurricane gust winds.

Three: Screaming negative things at tour groups. What is more fulfilling for the agitated student who didn’t get into Harvard than screaming to prospective Case Western students about how terrible it is at Case Western?

Two: Babs and Bud. Do you really think our President and Provost wouldn’t make the list? The Case Western community would cease to run effectively without this mysterious power duo. They’re so powerful they had the entrance to Adelbert redone to have a heated sidewalk! Wow!

One: Complaining. That’s right, we at Case Western cannot live without complaining – about everything. Here’s a sample: the cold, the snow, our tuition, the workload, the walk, the buildings, the terrible food, too much food, too little food, the kid who set the fire alarm off, the idiot who burnt the popcorn for the seventh time, too many committees, security, parking tickets, the lack of Quiznos, too many Greeks, too many programs, too few bars, nothing to do, too much to do, Humans Versus Zombies, The Observer, and on and on and on.

There you have it: the top ten things you wouldn’t be able to live without. Bring it on Case Western. Make sure to complain about what I missed!