I’ve got to be honest. I was there for the quiche. I assumed that some quiche would be provided to the attendees. After all, after watching a play titled “5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche,” it’s only natural that the audience would get hungry. It’s safe to say that my egg-filled dreams did not come true.

Perhaps many of the play attendees saw me with a notebook, carefully scribbling down notes. Maybe they assumed that I was here for a project or something meaningless like that. I was noting down something much more special—recipes. I needed to know what went into the quiche that had all five widows—lesbians—completely enthralled. I wanted to try the beautiful work of art that merged egg, gruyere, bell pepper, rosemary and even goat cheese, all wrapped in that crust. To my horror, not one quiche was real. My trust was forever gone. 

Let me begin with the fact that only one quiche was even edible. When Dale, played by Tanya Clemens, made her sacrifice and went to go rescue the quiches, I realized very quickly that none of the quiches brought out were edible. They were fake quiches made from foam, a betrayal to all the real quiches out there, waiting for their moment in the limelight. I still cannot understand how an entire sisterhood would survive off of these synthetic quiches. So much for giving eggs to the future generation. 

To add on to this, the only quiche that was actually consumed on stage was not even quiche. According to Shriya Myneni, who plays Lulie, “The quiche was cake, like a vanilla type cake thing. It was not quiche at all. I can’t stand egg.” Aside from her controversial takes about eggs, the idea that not one egg would feature in a play about quiche (and no, eggs in cake do not count) is blasphemous. The Susan B. Anthony Society for the Sisters of Gertrude Stein reveres the egg, so much so that to not bring a quiche is a slight against the sisterhood. This needs to carry forward into the quiche that makes the stage. 

Aside from that major detail, the rest of the play was comedic and enjoyable. At least these characters are serious about their food, almost as serious as I am.