It’s that time of year again. That’s right, it’s nearly time to vote in the primaries! Well, that and the little thing called Valentine’s Day. Before you go rushing off in search of cheap flowers (there is that man on Euclid Avenue), and low-cacao percentage chocolates, stop and think what really gets you into someone’s pants this year. That is what this holiday is all about, isn’t it?
Let’s start off with those flowers and chocolates. The least you could do would be to get the good stuff. Splurge on those fancy Lindt truffles and bouquets of carnations and roses. But, if you’re like me and you absolutely abhor clichés, you could get more creative with a holiday devoted to sex. For example, fertility symbols (like babies and the color red) are all the rage this season. You could instead send your prospective pants party a model of Eros. He or she should totally get the message.
Perhaps I’m thinking much too highly of Case kids – the same kids who sleep through their SAGES classes on such subjects. Maybe you could craft a vase out of circuit boards and solder, fill it with old RAM chips, and top it off with a ribbon made of SATA cables. This combination of computer pieces ought to set the bits of an electrical engineering major all abuzz.
Humanities majors would probably take it kindly if you showed up at their abode wearing tights and reciting Shakespeare while playing a lyre. Lyres are big when it comes to sex symbols, trust me. Start taking lessons now so that the next time you run into a medieval musician in the basement of Glennan (why she would be there I have no clue) you can impress her with your lyre skills while you wax poetic about her beanie and casually ripped retro leggings.
However, you may be wondering by this point “Professor Naked, I do have a date this year, and it’s not just using my left hand instead of my right! And she’s not ‘from Canada.’” How do you go about getting into an actual person’s pants, instead of the picture of them you found on Facebook? Firstly, if you’ve been creeping on them, you know what their interests are. Find something for you two to do together.
While it may be the most common stereotype of dating, a nice restaurant matters. You buy food for your prospective pants-partner because it shows many things: that you care, that you can afford to spend money on them, and that you bother to do things at all outside of Call of Duty and a box of tissues. So don’t just take your sexy someone to a KFC in Parma. Plenty of Cleveland restaurants offer great Valentine’s Day deals. Take advantage of these!
Let’s say you and your date had a great day watching swans at the zoo, skinny dipping in Lake Erie, and dropping sacks of candy out of a plane. Now it’s time to take her…to your dorm? Here’s something to try: get a hotel room downtown for the night and truly make this day special. If you really want to catch a glimpse of this person’s undergarments, you’re probably not going to want to show her your messy room and that patch of sentient mold under your bed. You can even rent a king suite to make up for the lack of mattress in your bedroom. That’s right, no twin extra-long for you two tonight!
Have no fear, Professor Naked has not forgotten about all the forever-alone Case students this year! Certainly not! Your cat is sure to appreciate a nice dead mouse on this special day (or any day for that matter). Take the pet gerbil out of his cage and let him run free. He’s sure to find some friendly neighbor gerbil, even if you can’t find a friendly neighbor in your dorm.
All this humble, unlicensed sexologist is saying is that you should step outside both stereotypes and clichés, and step outside your comfort zone as well. If you don’t want to spend Feb. 14 with a jar of Nutella and a sappy movie, you should make the effort to celebrate Valentine’s Day as something more than just buying drugstore chocolates this year.